Getting Drunk in First Class

Dominique Mars of the glim-glam consulting firm Mars & Co. Yes. He is my idol. He is such a complete and total dickhead, you should see him in action. Even I haven’t mastered such an incredible and memorable introduction to my entire firm.

Now presenting the 20th Anniversary Presentation from Mars & Co.:

The message comes through on my Blackberry. One of the associates working for our largest client confirms a looming rumor: starting next quarter, all “contracted employees” will be drug tested. I sniffle; a tear falls; I blow my nose and shrug.

But once I realize the scope implied by term “contracted employees,” I suddenly become nervous. Apparently it encompasses everyone from the Indians who run the IT desk (dots, not feathers) to the Indians who run on-site security (feathers, not dots). And although the former group’s offshore location affords the appearance of 24/7 coverage (while the latter group tends not try), as a management consultant I rely on less wholesome measures.

I can understand drug testing your own employees. After all, if they were in any way capable of what they were hired to do, there would be no need for consulting firms. I wouldn’t be surprised to find any number of blue collar drugs coursing through their collective veins. But why a company would want to design policies that discourage productivity in the most valuable (or at least most expensive) component of their workforce I cannot fathom. You can’t ask Bonds to break a homerun record without HGH; you can’t ask Lance to win the Tour without doping his blood; and you can’t ask a consultant to revise a 20-slide deck for the fifth consecutive night without an 8 ball.

While my colleagues were out enjoying the powder in Vail last March, I was enjoying it in my room at the W. By the end of the year, we were both out a few grand and I had been promoted for the second time in as many years. I put that substance on an exclusive list of things I hold dear: champagne, foie gras, airline upgrades, and Shakira albums, played quietly in the privacy of my own apartment. I could go on for hours (believe me). However, the last thing I want to do is turn this piece into rant on the joys of cocaine; time constraints, word count limits and my own impatience prevent it. My real focus is the emergence of a dangerous and startling revelation: clients are systematically trying to ruin our once glorious profession by removing the very pillars that sustain it.

It can hardly be called a trend: clients have traditionally harbored a tenuous, love-hate relationship with their consultants. They invite us into their offices only to sabotage our work; they ask for our opinions and then shit all over them; they agree to expense write-offs at 20% of billings and then complain when the alcohol portion of our receipts exceed food and gratuity. And we’ve always given it right back: we fly halfway across the world to condescend, laugh behind their backs and glad-hand with their superiors; we insist on reserving corner office space and then spend all our time by the cubicles, hitting on their admins. To put it simply, we’ve always met each other half way. In the end, everyone gets a binder.

This balance has been delicate but always maintained, and only lately has it begun to slip. What precipitated this step-wise increase in scrutiny, I can hardly say; maybe it’s professional jealously, or maybe one too many compliance auditors lost their laptops last year. But as I understand it, our profession has stood firmly upon three pillars since the 1980’s: basic sanity, lavish expense accounts, and recreational drug habits. Let us refer to this construct as the Consulting Trinity (ref. to Figure A). Much like the Holy Trinity, these three staples both support and reinforce each other.

Figure A: The Consulting Trinity

Chipping away at any one is liable to disrupt the other two; cutting out two at once leaves little hope for the third.** Much to my dismay, I sensed all three crumbling down around me when I tried to make travel reservations for an upcoming meeting:

“I’d like to book the 7:30 shuttle for this Tuesday please.”
“Are you aware that there’s a cheaper flight available on American?”
[profound silence]
“Should I book you on that flight instead?”
[strained breathe; phone drops]
“Would you like hotel accommodations while staying in the city, sir?”
“I shudder to think at what you might suggest.”

I refuse to provide month-long, interest-free loans to a Fortune 50 company that wants me to stay at the Pickwick Arms. It took three glasses of Bushmills to settle my nerves. But I digress: it’s getting late, I have work to do, my mirror is running dry and I fear all of this is discoverable because it’s being captured on my work computer.

I’ll cut right to the point: am I angered by being lumped in with IT consultants and staff augmentation? Somewhat. With facilities workers and offshore support? Incredibly. But what really bothers me is the lack of respect. Does this client honestly believe the same people who orchestrated a spin-off with scant data, scotch and a burning need to sell follow-on are going to be leveled by a urine test? Given a light week and a little will power, I could have the CEO’s urine in a bottle with my name on it. Rebuilding trust is not accomplished so easily, particularly in relationships based on greed and mutual reliance. After all, how can you accept free meals, travel, and millions of dollars in annual billings from an organization that doesn’t respect you? It’s the only thing that separates us from investment bankers.

In the end, advanced notice is a lifesaver. Unless they test my handkerchief, our summer intern’s inner thigh, or virtually any flat surface in my apartment, my employment will be secure through the next fiscal year. I weep only for future generations of Ivy League hopefuls who’ll sign their lives over for the stuff of dreams and a fistful of magic beans: airline miles, hotel points, and less boring trips to the bathroom.

**Survey data and scenario modeling have largely validated these conclusions. While the effects of dramatic increases in any single input have not been studied sufficiently, preliminary (albeit anecdotal) evidence from BCG suggest unhealthy increases in recreational drug activity may carry proportional increases in expense activity. This effect is unrelated to client behavior and, when controlling for blank cab receipts, appears to be limited.

This article was submitted by a guest author by the name of “Matt.” Matt reminds us he too has taken pleasure in cleaning out the first class cabin of all the cognac on transcontinental flights. Way to go, Matt; Way to go.

“Do you mind if I stand on your desk?” I didn’t listen for the response.

It’s been one hell of a month. My new client, John, was helpful and full of data. In our fact-finding sessions he didn’t respond with the usual feigned concern and oft-repeated “I really have no idea,” that comes with most client interviews. See, John returned my calls the same day. He sent me spreadsheets that nobody else could find. He used my name when talking to me and his attire playbook was a step up from Client+Kohls=Khakis. I was starting to develop a professional man-crush on John when he asked if he could see a draft of the final assessment, so I said “sure.” This was the presentation that I had told the Diversity Intern she could drive,

“…which means you get to create it, I’ll give it some cycles, and then when the big day comes you get to press the next-slide key while I deliver an unrelated narration.”

Two days later our team gave the big presentation. For fun, I introduced the Diversity Intern as a senior leader in our life sciences practice (biology minor, I guess). I dive in, but for some reason John’s boss, like a teenager playing Asteroids, starts ripping every concept and dazzling waterfall chart apart with contradicting facts; facts that John did not provide me. When I defended our fast-track strategy, John himself flipped on me and pitched cheeky remarks in front of the crowd like, “Why do you keep using the word, ‘value’?” and “apparently Gartner disagrees,” and “Nine women can’t make a baby in a month.” Fuck, John. Really, what the Fuck?

And this is where I return to, “Do you mind if I stand on your desk?” because after the meeting I stood on John’s mousepad to tape the hard copy of the presentation he had raped high on his office wall. I told him we needed to re-storyboard the whole thing and get it right[, you backstabbing slut]. The mousepad was a picture of his kids, which was, I think, a big part of why the Partner told me I would be leaving the case that Friday.

What I didn’t know at the time was that John was ex-BCG. He had outmaneuvered me to look good in front of his boss, playing on my profession’s Achilles’ heel, the idea of a client who likes their consultant. My next few days were full of ill-sentiment, especially the trip home. The worst part of a normal week is any flight attendant on a PA system. When the announcement came, “blah blah We have a very full flight blah blah,” I turned around from first class to address the half-full economy cabin and blurted out, “She always says that bullshit!” and then kept all my electronic devices on but hidden and reclined my seat back just slightly so as to not be noticed. Since they don’t serve Hendricks on UA, I brought my own. When interrogated about it, I answered the flight attendant’s question with an utterly meaningless “Do YOUR Duty for Free.” I slurred something to my neighbor about this blog, and then blacked out until we landed in Chicago for a connection.

I fired off a thumb rant on my BB to the McKinsey Global Institute concluding that O’Hare is the most likely cause of the impending US recession. I spent my time seething in the terminal. I read this article in the WSJ about how great consulting is: “Maybe it is time to let go of the jokes portraying consultants as glib, clueless apostles of PowerPoint, who have yet to hold “real” jobs. Lots of onetime consultants are getting the last laugh, landing posts as CEOs of sizable corporations.”

To make sure John had a hard time making it to CEO, I posted Craigslist personals in his name with stuff like:

• I WILL PAY FOR WOMAN’S….ESSENCE
• WASPY M SEEKS ASIAN F BIKE RIDING PARTNER MUST BE VERY SHORT
• DO YOU LIKE GAGGING?

When my week couldn’t really get any worse, I received a call from the expense compliance ‘bots while waiting in the terminal. How does it make sense to employ these people in exchange for brilliant insights like, “The policy is that you cannot expense more than two dollars per stay for maid service tips.” Or, “We noticed that last week you connected through Atlanta instead of flying direct, can I ask why?” Or, “Sir, just as in the last four instances, we do not accept highlighted credit card statements anymore.” Every time they call me on something, I upgrade my mythical weekly taxi cab cost by $5. And when my next flight finally landed and the cab delivered me home at 3AM, I had no more cares: This is not an exit.

“I will give you exactly $50 for your entire pad of receipts.”

“Sir, no, why you need so many?”

“$70 for no more questions.”

“I am not supposed to and you people always ask for two but this is redic-”

“$80 for no more talking.”

He passed me the receipt pad; I passed him the fare, $80, and John’s mousepad.

• Everyone In the West Wing will have to work until 9PM every night so taxpayers feel they are getting their money’s worth
• He will have walked every congress member through the “State of the Union” address prior to presenting it In order to gain consensus and avoid any political land mines
• The US Budget will be delivered as one large spreadsheet full of pivot tables
• All official White communications will be done in PowerPoint
• White House meal budget will increase six fold
• Cabinet members will need to have a hypothesis prior to engaging in any official business
• The new administration’s White House staff will be recruited at the Top 10 business schools
• The President’s salary will be done through a SOW
• The US will have the greatest strategy, but none of it will ever happen
• Bain’s public sector business grows 100X, get spun off, and goes public as one of the fastest growing companies ever
• He will start planning reelection immediately as a means of “follow-on work”

(This was submitted by a guest author who we shall call “Chris”)

A few brash, young, Type A consultants (are there any other kind?) sent us a few of their receipts and I’d like to share a couple that we’ve received thus far. We generally reply to any editor submission we receive since billing 60+ client hours per week cannot practically be 60+ actual hours of work so we have the free time for that sort of thing. Free time is being used in a loose sense, of course; suffice it to say that it just means when we aren’t banging out 2×2’s and “nudging” shit around in PowerPoint.

“One of the consultants on my team was rolling off because they sucked ass, but why pass up an opportunity to ring up some bills on someone else’s dime?

After cleaning out the open bar at an all-team meeting that afternoon, we moved onto a favorite local bar for the ‘roll-off party,’ and proceeded to run up the attached tab. The best part is, we frequented the place so much, the bartender didn’t even charge us for about half of what we drank.”

I occasionally worry about some of our young consultants out there. Has anyone ever died from alcohol poisoning on these things? I’ve always wondered but never witnessed it myself. It’s easy to imagine some fresh-off-the-street-mutt analyst getting totally fucked out of his mind and heading to the porcelain god but never returning to the known world. Let us have a moment of silence for the imaginative fallen that I believe may have walked this earth…

Next on our list:

Okay, so this is just teeming with possibilities: Were they eating shit or sushi? And, Whole Foods? I don’t know how long this receipt is or how much but it better be a lot deeper than the $60 shown here. Whatever happened to the classic expense receipts from Craft restaurant at over $200+ per head? I actually owe my project team a solid night out; they have been pulling 4 weekends now on a short, 6-week strategy assessment at a real estate development client (they’re pretty desperate, you know) and I’m fairly certain they’re on the verge of assassinating me (perhaps even expensing the fee to the hitman).

We’re still looking for submissions so if you think you can top some of these (it shouldn’t be that hard, really) then please be sure to forward them on to us (editor@gettingdrunkinfirstclass.com).

We ran across this little honey from a fellow GDiFCer:

I’ll bet that pig was delicious! But where is the cowpigturducken at? God knows how long this receipt was, but I hear it was about 4 feet long. Surely somebody has a receipt that at least rivals the length of Bubble Tape; 6 feet of gum!

Send in a pic of your most outrageous receipt to editor [at] gettingdrunkinfirstclass [.] com and maybe we’ll post it.

Main Entry: ¹bane
Function: noun
1 a : KILLER, SLAYER b : POISON c : DEATH, DESTRUCTION d : WOE
2 : a source of harm or ruin : CURSE  

Now here is a company who understands consulting!  Bain knows how to mislead with statistics.  Some version of the following graphic is always the bain.com hood ornament:

And the accompanying tagline is:

“Companies that outperform the market like to work with us; we are as passionate about their results as they are.”

And what they meant was:

“Companies with excess cash like to hire us; we are as passionate about their thick billfolds as they are.”

WORK WITH : HIRE :: RESULTS : THICK BILLFOLDS

The first time I pulled up the Bain homepage, I knew I couldn’t have been the first to notice this misleading, salacious, sexy bitch of a graph.  Sure enough, a search for “Bain claim outperform” shows that this marketing maneuver is now a poster child for the correlation vs. causation logical fallacy.  If you’ve ever been swayed by the compelling evidence that global warming is actually caused by the global decline in modern sea pirates (http://www.venganza.org/about/open-letter/), then you should strongly consider hiring Bain to analyze your operations data.  They might just find that your recent profit windfall is due to the periodic alignment of menstrual cycles in your firm.

Right after deciding that Bain’s marketing department was a few sandwiches short of a picnic, I realized that this marketing might be brilliantly effective in its use of a selection bias.  Consider the pitch they made to Bain management:

“Leaders dumb enough to be impressed by this pseudo-statistic will hire us.  Since they have flagged themselves as retarded, we can clearly boost their valuation with balance sheet tricks.  And if this fails?  Then we will not pitch any more work to any client who doesn’t outperform the market enough to prop up our far-flung claims.  After all, the claim doesn’t say, ‘outperform the market 4-to-1 after working with us’.”

Here’s another bullshit quote from a recent bain.com homepage:

Creating Unstoppable Growth
Chris Zook’s book shows managers how to find hidden assets in their company to help renew their core and fuel profitable business growth.

Yes, the book examines how to conceive a profit Godzilla chud-baby using hidden intangible elusive contra-assets. Fucking Unstoppable. Yes, this is possible.  Chris Zook studied Unstoppable at http://www.unstoppable.com/ and learned it had something to do with your “core”.  You like fuel?  How about growth?  Controversial: Yes.  Hell yes.  Fuel the fire.  Grow the fire.  Fire the assets.  Renew the assets.  shhhhhhh - grow. 

What?

Bain’s marketing department needs to watch There’s Something About Mary and learn from the 6 Minute Abs Case Study (© HBS Press) because tomorrow, readers, we will form the Infinite Growth consultancy called Kurse.  At Kurse, our clients outperform the market 16 to 1.  Our dicks out-measure the average by two standard deviations.  Kurse works on the world’s most challenging problems by serving clients including Jack Welch, all of the Fortune 100, the United Nations, all companies working on the cure for cancer, and many of the universal laws of physics.  Kurse and Kompany has no need for marketing campaigns because Kurse’s deliverables are sprinkled with pixie dust.

Reading my all-time favorite magazine, Consulting Magazine, clearly the “Flagship Publication of the Consulting Profession,” I was alerted to a recent article which was a “one-on-one” with Scott Hefter of PRTM and may I point out that if you simply replace any reference to “PRTM” in the article with [your firm's name] you will essentially be reading accurate content.

Honestly, I’ve read many of these fantastic articles whilst waiting to board my Economy+ seat from JFK to LAX (unfortunately I did not make the u/g list to Business on the P.S. flight… Economy+ isn’t exactly royalty class). This article just cemented my thoughts that consulting firms really do have a nearly impossible task of innovating the consulting profession as a whole. Let’s face it, although ’smart’ people do enter the management consulting profession, most of those people don’t usually fit the profile of someone who is going to lead the world with innovative management techniques, product ideas, or other revolutionary advances in science, medicine, or the arts; rather, they’re usually relatively smart people who have short attention spans, enjoy prestige, chase money, or otherwise don’t care to really be a true expert in their specific fields. Economists, step aside please, specialization is important to growing and progressive economics, no matter how you cut it.

So back to the article. What does this have to do with all of you first class drunks out there, anyways? Well, nothing, but rather I’m speaking to our undergraduate readership who I know aspires to be the next Great Consultant of our time, enjoying insane open bar tabs and slamming the occasional female hotel clerk without ever knowing her name. If you want to make sure you have what it takes to be recruited at [any firm name here], please be sure to read the article I am speaking about. Where do I begin?

First, you have to be willing to work with bald men.

Bald, indeed. Booz Allen perhaps?

Second, you have to be part of the “best and the brightest from the best schools” OR pulled “out of industry.” Secondly, you have to be “pragmatically brilliant” and “team players.” You also need to be someone, “who [is] are really happy working as a team.” This just means that you have to be willing to stay at the client-site until 11:30 PM doing busy work, even if you have nothing to do (well, ya know, perception is important!!!). Most firms are also looking for, “a fit, team player, and [someone who has] the aspiration to want to put the time and effort in their careers … [to] … become a partner…” This just means you’re willing to settle for $650,000 a year while forking over almost every free moment of your day to would-be clients. Please don’t read the 4-Hour Workweek. Without analyzing the article any further, if you have the above qualities, you’re in, relax, life is good.

Since I am a budding dickhead, though, I have to continue making fun of this. Consider the following question and answer from the article:

Consulting: What would most people be surprised to learn about the types of consultants at PRTM?

Hefter: We have the most diverse set of people from a personality and a hobbies perspective. We’ve got a partner who’s a musician whose band recently cut an album. I’ve got another partner who’s an Indian drummer, and he’s done several recordings and worked with some very famous artists doing traditional and contemporary Indian music. We’ve [also] got a very active set of people who contribute to public service.

Really, the most diverse set of people from a personality and hobbies perspective? That distinguishes you … how, exactly? And I’m sure PRTM was in the market for musicians who can double as rainmaking partners, too. Clearly we have a winning firm here, no? One has to wonder if their website has a few African-Americans interspersed “here and there” on pages of their site that discuss “diversity.”

How about the next question, too?

Consulting: How do you assign projects?

Hefter: It’s a collaborative process, and it’s a not a science. Certainly you want to match the best consultants with the client. We try to staff as locally as possible; it’s obviously more cost-effective. It’s also more effective for managing the lifestyle. We always explain to the consultant that there’s a shared responsibility to manage their lifestyle. I always tell consultants that when we’re starting a project, ‘If you run, and you want to run three miles a day and you like to run every single day and six o’clock at night is the time that you run, then tell me.’ There’s almost nothing that we can’t work around. Work at home is also an option.

I am about to choke on my grey-goose bleu-cheese dirty martini; where do I begin? It’s a “collaborative process”? “Not a science”? Get out of town, no fucking way! You want to match the best consultants with the client? Jesus Fucking Christ, why didn’t I think of that? And even more genius is that they try staffing people locally because it’s more “cost-effective.” I know you guys don’t want to hear any more about local projects, do you? My last gripe about this is the “Work at home is also an option.” Actually, working at home is not an option. It is definitely an option, of course, if you want to stunt your career for a few years.

I’ve picked apart almost the whole damn enchilada here but one last question remains:

Consulting: How would you describe the culture at PRTM?

Hefter: I think our culture is very supportive and collaborative, yet demanding. This is a culture that is absolutely a meritocracy. If somebody does well, they will absolutely progress and they know they are not progressing at the expense of anybody else. That is such a core thing where folks know that if you help somebody else out that only reflects and shines brightly upon you. It really fundamentally drives why this place is a different kind of place.

You have to be kidding, right? PRTM is a “very supportive and collaborative, yet demanding” culture? Impossible! No consulting firm is like that! It’s also a meritocracy? That is like… so unique! McKinsey is definitely not like that at all. Lastly, before we part ways, PRTM has “… a core thing where folks know that if you help somebody else out that only reflects and shines brightly upon you.” Well, so much for the whole true meaning of a “team player.”

Remember, undergrads, all you have to do is pretend to be smart and be relatively good-looking and you too can help your future firm bill you out at $250+/hour as a fresh out of school undergraduate. You can also think of yourself as playing part in one the biggest corporate scams of all time.

“Consultants distract, demoralize, and otherwise slow down your best people.”

Of course we do! We’re there to light a fire under people’s asses, to re-shape your company to be better than it was before, which was failing. Besides, if your best people were really the best, then you wouldn’t need us in the first place, now would you? We know everything about you, your business, your competitors, and your industry. We can do anything imaginable.

Seriously, though, demoralize? Inconceivable; this is more than likely an unintended and completely rare side-effect. Armed with our Big 10 and Ivy League degrees, it is plausible your so-called “best” people might be put to shame at least from an education standpoint. Sure, we bring in mutts-off-the-street undergraduates and bill you $245/hr for them. But demoralize? No way, just because your employees’ annual bonus budget is now making a big sucking sound towards our $10,000 bar tabs and frequent visitations to the titty bar doesn’t mean your people should feel demoralized. I’d rather think of it more like subsidizing their future, not demoralizing them. We’ll compromise; we’ll invite your employees (as Optional, not Required, in Outlook) to the bar with us.

We definitely do not slow your people down. For most of them, it might be the first time in their lives that they have had to stay past 5:01 PM at the office. That is surely a shocking moment for some, indeed. Slowing them down is so far in the opposite direction of what we’re really doing for them and for their own good. Driving up the company’s stock price a quarter of a point for every 100 slides in a deck is simply not slowing your people down. We’re showing them the next industrial revolution, all the hidden gems of management expertise that they have been without for so long. Besides, once they have all that management expertise (which we intend to knowledge transfer as soon as possible), the people we ‘let go’ will be well-prepared in the marketplace to find new jobs somewhere else.

“Companies with a high ratio of consultants to employees are companies that do not perform well.”

This is entirely common-sense. We’re not trying to foster investor confidence the moment we land troops on the ground after they scale the rope from the Blackhawk helicopter (aka Boeing 757 jetway). We’re trying to build that investor confidence over time by helping the company achieve increasing profitability and efficiency. We don’t expect the company’s stock value to necessarily rise while we’re working with you to transfigure your company into the most amazing business machine ever known to man. The people who spout this idea have no idea what they’re talking about and are not considering the long-term horizons of the companies that make strategic use of management consultants and all their right-sizing half-baked goodness.

Sure, there was Enron, but we all know that was entirely due to Andersen’s mischievous accounting practices and an unscrupulous executive team, not McKinsey. Or what about Victoria’s Secret? I know they have some consultants on the ground now but just because their stock is tanking doesn’t mean the fees aren’t worth it. And what can be said of Capital One?

“Consultants steal your watch and then tell you the time.”

Oh, it’s silly, symbolic remarks like this that get our goat. What exactly does it mean anyways? We’re petty watch thieves? Maybe we tell people what they already know, perhaps? How so? And by who’s account, exactly? Back to my claim above, we help companies succeed in the long-term. We are not in the business of mere short-term investor gains and temporary popularity.

We are business professionals, damn it!

We… are… management… consultants.