This is like the Massey pre-nup of design; There’s no way you’re gettin’ out of it - Have you seen Intolerable Cruelty the sexy Zeta-Jones (yes, T-Mobile girl)? Well, the Massey pre-nup was a supposedly rock-solidly written pre-nuptial agreement talked about in the movie. This phrase basically means you’re stuck with something for good, there is no changing it, so deal with it.
This is just bumfuzzled - This is a strange combination, similar to a foobar comment, but this one is mixed up from words like bumblephuck, fizzed, and fucked up, all put together to get bumfuzzled. Great word.
You’re up shit creek without a paddle - This one.. is… self-explantory. It means you’re in the thick of shit and there’s no way out. Very common client scenario. Watch out. It really starts to stink.
Low-hanging fruit first - Ahh yes, get the easy shit out of the way.
There are multiple ways to skin a cat - There really are and in consulting, there are a million ways to do things. Work Smart, Not Hard, right?
Be careful you don’t have The Grabber - From all of the stress of client matters and issues, if you’re not managing it well, you might have The Grabber (a heart attack, of course!).
Don’t get too close to the sun - Oh this one is fantabulous. Basically, in a consulting partnership, you have partners. Parters are Suns. As a consultant in the firm, you don’t want to get tooooo close to partners because you’ll burn up (like Mercury or something). On the other hand, you don’t want to get tooooo far away from them or you’ll freeze (like Pluto or mystery Planet X). You want a happy medium relationship (like Earth!) with partners. So simple!
I’m outta here like it’s the last chopper outta Nam - This is like you’ve had a helluva a day and you want to get the fuck out of the client site and fast. If it was the last chopper outta ‘Nam, believe me, you’d be getting your ass in gear.
Looks like a six car pile-up - This refers to someone’s teeth that are fucked up and are in bad need of some serious braces.
Don’t shoot yourself in the foot! - Don’t fuck yourself by doing something stupid or not thinking something through.
Just because… you didn’t take the train… doesn’t mean you can leave early on Fridays - Inside line, sorry!
We’re not going to be fucking victims here! - When the consultants get beat to shit by the clients because you wrote a crappy statement of work.
Don’t rob Peter to pay Paul - Basically, don’t start a new problem to fix an existing one.
Don’t get flaxed (Or… substitute ‘flaxed’ with your sr mgr’s last name and -ed) - Ah, the use of a person’s name as a verb. This one just means you’re getting your chops busted by a hard ass senior manager. Doesn’t mean the person is a jerk or a dick or smart or stupid, just means you better get ready to deal with this person. Be Prepared. Think: Weekly status meetings with a remote manager.
Time for your weekly flaxing! (Or… substitute ‘flaxing’ with your sr mgr’s last name and -ing) - See above, a continuation.
Be Consultants! We’re not here to take their orders! - This means what it says. It happens; if you’re not careful, you can go from consultant to a lowly subcontractor in no time. Things just aren’t as challenging and interesting down there. Sorry subcontractors!
The old stove is out of logs; time to upgrade to the nuclear reactor - Refers to someone who is working out and upgrading their body. Definitely a stupid joke but it applies.
It’s more of an art than a science - This is the essence of consulting. Thank you very much. You now owe me $55.75 for writing these few sentences in under a minute.
Sure I can get you more system testing resources… - Verbal commitments just aren’t very solid… Watch out!
This is just a bunch of horsecrap - Self-explanatory.
“We need to get our ducks in a row here, guys” - This means organize yourselves so you’re not tripping all over each other making your firm look like shit to the client.
We should apply the explosion method - This is inside, sorry.
It might be coming down your throat - This means brace yourself for mud slinging from the client.
You can only polish a turd so much - Band-aid solutions don’t make the problem go away; they just hide it more and this means you can only hide a problem so much before any more isn’t worth it.
We can’t be throwing a steaming pile of shit over the fence - This means don’t be hasty with client deliverables. If you do them too quickly, they’re going to look like shit and the client will know it. The steaming of course refers to fresh steaming shit in the winter time. Yes, it does indeed release steam.
“If they don’t like it, they can go pound sand” - Essentially just means the consultants have had it and are going to be firm.
Down in the weeds - When a principal is not selling and busy doing client service work.
Surfin’ the wave - When a large amount of sales opportunities cross the path with a principal from an existing project. The principal doesn’t have to put forth much effort into making the sale.
It just doesn’t feel sexy enough - A nice way to say that a deck sucks.
Can’t see the forest through the trees - The client is too stupid to see the big picture.
Sweating like a whore in church - Use this phrase to desribe your fellow consultant who is nervous about missing a critical go-live date or a client that’s about to get fired.
Dave Says:
December 18th, 2006 at 9:56 amVisit Dave
“Sweating like a paedophile on a school bus!” - Same effect as “Sweating Like a Whore in Church” - only better.
Rob Says:
January 18th, 2007 at 1:04 pmVisit Rob
“Sweating like a paedophile on a school bus!” - Same effect as “Sweating Like a Whore in Church” - only better.”
Or combining both
“Sweating like a priest among the choir boys”
totaldickhead Says:
March 5th, 2007 at 2:00 pmVisit totaldickhead
Oh man. Those comments are pretty hilarious. We should probably save these and add them sometime.
Patrique Bateman Says:
May 14th, 2007 at 4:02 amVisit Patrique Bateman
As a European consultant its encoraging to see that Consultancy offers the opportunity to forge that great ideal: the universal lingua-franca. And as a consultant there’s nothing that I enjoy more than seeing this language condensed into efficient three letter acronym (TLA) format. Many a meeting I have spent conversing with my mutinational colleagues using only universally accepted TLA’s to describe our collaborative project approach and hand genstures to articulate our considered opinion of each member of the client’s board. However, it should be noted that, when working with international teams a common acronym lexicon must be established to assure that team members are able to keep a straight face at the final board presentation. My memory of a presentation to a UK Plc on Standard Trunk Dialling tactics is particularly poignant, given that it also heralded the first appearance of my US opposite number. Unfamiliar with our acronyms the chap was unable to control himself during the presentation and had excuse himself half way through, with tears rolling down his cheeks. I assume that he found getting a hotel room for the night and flight home rather less amusing given that his passport and wallet had been donated to a homeless person dossing under the arches at Waterloo.
One final thought on linguistic evolution. The consultant is only challenged by one breed in terms of its raping of language: the head-hunter. These - I hesitate from using the term ‘people’, as head-hunters are to we consulting gods, as Morlock are to the Eloi in H. G. Well’s Time Machine - individuals have perfected a form of prose that is neither fact, fiction, nor even faction. No, these literary greats have developed fuktion, a blend of emotive platitudes and outright lies, designed to snare the neophyte consultant on their first trip around the redundancy bouy.
Let me give you an example: “International Strategy House seeks Dir of reprographic process optimisation” means Grey and Dull Accountants (LLP) need photocopying done. “Standard Blue Chip package” means tiny base salaries with huge potnetial bonuses which will only be realised at the conjunction of Saturn and Mars with Pluto in ascendence (the wily will know that Pluto never ascends, or always threatens to ascend just as long as you take that 18 month posting to study salt mines in a provicial Ploish town).
In the past week I have actually found that you can rupture the mic on BlackBerry Pearls by issuing a obscenity at excruciatingly high pitch. The cause of this outburst was a conversation with a HH who stated “Of course, this is a very senior role and you’ll be expected to surf across the entire C-Suite”. My reply was mono-sylabic and started with C. Dogs all over Europe pricked up their ears. Nuns in Belgiun actually feinted.
Carry on the good work TD.
PP: Pat Bateman
Value Adder Says:
July 3rd, 2007 at 12:53 amVisit Value Adder
“Net Net” - Phrase most commonly deployed, when a consultant runs out of bullshit to spew, and just cuts to the chase so he can go on to the next mound of shit that rolled downhill.
Steve Says:
August 1st, 2007 at 9:51 amVisit Steve
“Going/Gone Native” - When a consultant sits at a client site for so long that they start acting and thinking the same way the client does, gets caught up in the drama and bullshit of the client organization, thereby completely negating the purpose of why they’re there to begin with.
John Says:
August 9th, 2007 at 8:46 pmVisit John
“Want to get raped” - When a consultant goes into meeting with a hard-nosed client while in an unorganized state with a crappy or non-existing deck.
M. Says:
October 3rd, 2007 at 5:55 pmVisit M.
“Lets drop it and see if the kitty licks it up.” Meaning the idea smells like shit, it looks like shit, we’d never dream of implementing it ourselves, but maybe - just maybe - its good enough for the client; lets stick it in there for the hell of it.
Miles_and_Miles Says:
October 5th, 2007 at 10:16 amVisit Miles_and_Miles
“Throw it at the wall and see what sticks”
A phrase used to describe a client’s pre-consultant-retention strategy, or rather lack thereof. Or more broadly, to describe a client’s general lack of adequacy in their alleged “core competencies”.
Great posts here.
Big Al Says:
November 7th, 2007 at 7:37 pmVisit Big Al
“I’m just holding the tail”
From the phrase “You’re fucking this cat, I’m just holding the tail.” Which means I’m not responsible for whatever the fuck you are doing.
Eric Says:
December 8th, 2007 at 5:15 pmVisit Eric
“It is what it is”
A phrase that means nothing, yet seems to explain everything.
Eric Says:
December 8th, 2007 at 5:19 pmVisit Eric
“Lets not spin our wheels here…it is what it is”
Another version to the comment above.