That’s right, I’ll come into your fucking boardroom on my high horse with my god-damned spurs and give you some strategy! Straight in your fucking throat!
To be a true dickhead consultant, you have to be a strategy consultant. This pertains to all things about a business and how it should ’strategically’ align itself with the market, its industry, its customers and suppliers, to all of those lovely internal processes including talent retention, backoffice systems, intellectual capital, legal, etc.
A ’strategy consultant’ is a dickhead who omnipotently ‘knows it all.’ Like a Peter Drucker but younger and can still get it up in bed with another hot looking strategy consulting colleague.
Indeed, the whole mantra of the age-old consultant who comes in and tells the executives they need to downsize 15,000 people (by tomorrow), sell off businesses, acquire other ones, dump $100M into x,y,x investments, invest in R&D for A, B, and C technologies. Ramp up Product A, slow down production of Product B. Lower your price points in these regions, increase them in these other ones. Consolidate suppliers to … blah blah… introduce a dividend of this % return… buy back stocks… introduce a new performance management system, blah blah blah blah. Eat my fucking shorts!
Seriously, though, that’s how consultants get their bad raps. They come in, tell management what they already know, charge an arm and a leg, and leave a steaming pile of shit behind them, or at least its a pile of shit that happens to look and smell really good but it’s still a pile of shit. It’s the art of Thrill ‘Em and Bill ‘Em. Consultants are creative, smart, and produce really cool-looking, colorful presentations with neat graphs and bar charts and 5 year plans.
So remember, there is more to consulting than mere brains and braun. To be that true dickhead, you have to make ‘em like you and then thrill ‘em and bill ‘em, strategically of course.