Getting Drunk in First Class

Here is your typical after-work exchange between your 3-piecer and his client.

Consultant: You want answers?

Client: I think I’m entitled to them.

Consultant: You want answers?

Client: I want the truth!

Consultant: You can’t handle the truth! Sir, we live in a world that has problems. And those problems have to be solved by consultants. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Mr. Client? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You want results but you curse the Marriott, Morton’s and SkyMiles. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that consultants, while expensive and excessive, have probably saved your ass multiple times. And our existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves asses…You don’t want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don’t talk about at offsite meetings, you want us on that problem. You need us on that problem.

We use words like client service, utilization, revenue recognition…we use these words as the backbone to a life spent solving something. You use ‘em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very safety I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I’d rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a suitcase and board a plane. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!

Client: Did you order the $250 bottle of wine?

Consultant: (quietly) I did the job you sent me to do.

Client: Did you order the $250 bottle of wine?

Consultant: You’re goddamn right I did!!