Getting Drunk in First Class

Drinking, gloating, strippers… these are some things that you might associate with total dicks you see sitting in first class; but the ultimate total dick is something much more benign; the first class toddler.

After you paid $10,000 for that first class lie-flat seating with unlimited booze, to your dismay you got stuck right next to a dickheaded family who thought it would be cute if they flew their 14 month old son in first class.

This little shit-headed toddler has no respect for authority; when the captain turns on the seatbelt sign, the monster stands up and jumps up and down on his seat and then pisses his diaper. When you’re about to fall asleep the little asshole decides that its time to take a shit in his diaper and scream for his parents. The screaming overloads the noise-canceling circuitry in your Bose QuietComfort II headphones that you thought you were slick for packing. It takes every last ounce of your self control not to grab this kid and his parents by the neck and stick their heads in the blue, spring-breeze scented toilet water.

At the end of the flight the question remains; who is the bigger dickhead here? The asshole kid who has no idea whats going on or the shitheaded parents who dropped $30,000 on first class tickets so they could piss off the entire first class cabin? The parents of course! What 14 month old toddler is going to remember the time he flew in first class from LaGuardia to Bangkok? Is he going to ask for a Baily’s with that order of breast milk? Is he going to appreciate the fact that he’s eating a hot fudget sunday 38,000 ft above the middle of the Pacific Ocean? Is he going to be checking out the hot flight attendant that keeps giving you that “fuck me” look as she walks by? I think not.

There should be a rule: If you want to bring your kid who is under 18 years old in first class, stick his ass back in Economy. The little shit won’t know the difference.