It all started as I was getting ready to head to the wine bar to enjoy a $300 bottle of wine and some Cuban cigars when a text message arrives informing me that:
Your flight United 124 has been canceled. Please call United Reservations.
“Fuck!”
After talking to my friends at the United Premier call center, I find out that tomorrow is going to be a living hell; I’m getting booked on an American Airlines flight, which will later get fucked up. They assure me that everything is Ok and that I just have to check in at the American Airlines counter when I arrive to the airport tomorrow morning. As if that wasn’t bad enough they ask:
“Thank you sir, would you like to make any future travel arrangements with United?”
“After you cancel my fucking flight? Sure, how about I buy one of those $10,000 prepaid flight cards and shove it up your ass?”
“Click.”
Those call center guys have a lot of balls.
Spending time on the phone fighting with the call center isn’t the worst part, oh no. The nightmare is the fact that I’m going to find myself standing in the regular check-in line with a blank stare as those snooty asshole Platinum Executives breeze by and look at me like some asshole without status. I cringe at the fact that I’ll be standing in a regular check-in line with 1k Status on United.
The next day I finally make it to the American Airlines check-in counter trying to explain my situation just to find out that I have to go to back to the United ticket counter to get a travel coupon, not an easy task at DFW. I get on the TerminalLink bus and make my back to the familiar United counter where I enjoyed a few minutes of glory as I stood in the Premier line staring back at the assholes in the regular line. As I looked back at the common man in the regular line, I secretely wished to myself that there was a Platinum Executive standing all the way in the back. Finally I get my travel coupon and head back to the dreaded “status no mans land” in the American terminal. They print my boarding pass and send me on my way.
As if standing in the regular American Airlines security line wasn’t humiliating enough, they thought it would be funny to print SSSS on my boarding pass and subject me to a thorough anal cavity search from our friends at the TSA. After I wiped all the lube and latex glove dust off my ass and got my bags, I limped off to the gate area.
While I was standing in the boarding area I looked at my boarding pass again and noticed “Group 4″. Fuck! I can’t remember the last time I had any number greater than 1 printed on my boarding pass. Now I get to stand in line again with all the non-status assholes and watch the dickhead Platinum Executives get on the plain with their oversized luggage that I know will be put in the overhead bins sideways.
To make matters worse I find out I’ll be flying in a Super “fucking” 80. When in the hell are these shitty planes going to be sent to the scrap yard? Where are the retractable LCD panels with NBC In-flight? What if I actually want to listen to the audio entertainment on the flight? I’m just shit out of luck; looks like I’ll get to twiddle my damn thumbs or fondle myself in the lavatory for 3 hours.
At this point I’m actually starting to feel sorry for the Platinum Executives that are looking at me as I walk through American Airlines sorry ass excuse for a first class cabin (looks like United Economy Plus to me) with all of my shit that I’m probably going to have to check. I hope they enjoy their first class lunch because one of these days you’re going to be in my house. You’re going to stand in line for hours and, if you get a seat, you’ll walk past my incredibly comfortable first class seat as you make your way to the back of the plane by the shitter. Enjoy your flight!