Getting Drunk in First Class

As a dickhead consultant, you cannot fully participate in a meeting unless you do what by nature has defined you to do: Act like you own the fucking place. The following is a summary of all required behavior for you in a meeting, whether with clients and/or other fellow dickheads/consultants.

Here are the following things a dickhead should do in a meeting:

1. Use your Crackberry by furiously and constantly checking your emails and text messages. Besides, what better way than to hit on that new blond analyst that just rolled off the graduation stage and onto your project than to start having a little TXT messaging flirt session?

   
2. Futz with your laptop and when people speak to you, look down at your screen every few seconds, then take an extra moment to respond before looking up from your screen. Be as much of a dickhead as possible. If you’re a true dickhead you’ll crank up your laptop speakers and fire up AIM. You’ll be sure to piss everybody off when your dickheaded consultant co-worker on the other side of the room beeps you with an IM.
3. Visibly don’t pay attention during the meeting and interrupt people while they are speaking. Interject (sometime snide and even borderline rude) with comments and insights. Sure, you have to be a TD but occasionally you have to say something that at least sounds smart like a good consultant would do. Just pretend and it’ll all flow nicely.
4. For the truly professional dick, whip out your nail clippers and start ’snip-snipping’ away at your fingernails, presumably shooting little nail bits at your neighbors around the conference table. The truly ostentatious will remove their shoes and socks and start clipping their toenails.
   
5. A true dickhead will take a phone call during a meeting. It helps to make it look like you’re making an effort not to interrupt (though you actually want to interrupt beacuase you’re a dick) by standing off in the corner of the room. The best calls to take are, of course, personal calls. Heated arguments with one of your many girlfriends or spouses are highly encouraged. If you’re in a theatrical mood, it is suggested that you bring in an old school 1980s ‘box phone’ and make your calls through it. These are just works of art that all of us should appreciate as will everyone in your meeting.
   
6. It helps to not take any notes what-so-ever, even when a senior person in the meeting directs you to take away something from the meeting, like a task or famous ‘action item.’ Making sneery comments about why they didn’t write anything down (even something that wasn’t even said at all) is a very good thing to do. After the conclusion of the meeting and you’ve thoroughly annoyed the shit out of everyone, proceed to ask others in the room to photocopy their notes and put them on your desk.
7. Never show up to a meeting on time. When you show up, make sure everybody notices your arrival. If somebody asks why you are late make up some lame excuse that everybody in the room knows is bullshit to make it clear that you don’t give a shit and that you don’t want to be there. If you happen to be running really late to an ‘important’ meeting, prepare to pay tribute to the c-suite sitting around the board table by bringing in a traveler full of starbucks and a dozen crumb cakes. When they start interrogating you throw a couple crumbcakes their way and politely tell them to shut the fuck up. Everybody is a sucker for food.

   

So, remember kids, your aspirations of becoming a total dickhead start in those fancy boardroom meetings. Start the journey now by practicing the fundamentals described here. Soon, you’ll be living a life of luxury, fame, fortune, and flex travel that you’ve never dreamt of before.

Safe travels!