Its bound to happen sooner or later; whether after coming back late from the gym or after being stuck in the office, you decide to break out your Razr phone and order carry-out from the usual Italian joint just to find yourself face to face with some smart-ass punk kid who thinks he is god. In this case the little fuck was trying to tell me that 9:45 PM was really 10:00 PM, and since carry-out closes at 10:00 PM, no food for me. I call him out on his bullshit and tell him to look at the clock.
“Ok, let me go check the time,” he sneers at me, then {click}.
I call back and ask, “Hey asshole, did you check the time?”.
He didn’t take too kindly to this, and I ended up eating Chinese food that night, but that doesn’t mean I’m letting this piece of shit off the hook. This little fuck doesn’t know what’s in store for him; I call it burying the $5.15 asshole, and this guide will help you effectively deal with these assholes.
- Complain to corporate headquarters - This tactic will usually result in the most serious repercussions for the fruitless fuck that thought he owned the place. The manager that is above the worthless sack of shit will have to come down on the guy when he gets a call from HQ.
Not unlike yourself, corporate HQ generally consists of a bunch of suits sitting somewhere in a lavish downtown Manhatten high-rise office that also have a low tolerance for minimum wage wise-guys.
The best part is that you will most likely recieve an apology letter and $10-$20 in gift certificates that you can use when you’re off the expense account and shit faced from a bad night of blackjack in Vegas. If you’re staying at a hotel you’ll usually score a sizable chunk of points.
- Make a big scene - If you really feel like treating yourself and blowing off some steam, unleash on the poor fuck. This is generally a better tactic to employ when no clients are around and you’re at some place that you know you’ll never come back to. The only downside is that you will most likely make yourself look like a complete asshole and have the manager ask you to leave. When security drags you out by your feet you know you got the job done.
- Talk to the manager - This is probably the least effective way of dealing with the situation: the penalty for the mininum-wage, slacker, shithead will be watered down and you won’t get any gift certificates. About the only thing you’ll get is some ass-kissing and many apologies. This option is considered mostly a waste of time.
In my case, I chose to deal with this dick by employing the first tactic. The good news: when I went to get my carry-out this week I asked where Ryan was; the staff informed me that he didn’t work there anymore. I also recieved a letter of apology in the mail from corporate HQ with $25 in gift certificates.
Some might call my efforts heartless. I’m sure many would consider me a prick, or an asshole, but the fact remains, I’m a total dick. Besides, whatever happened to standing up for good service? The more dumbshits that we can fire and/or source to more competent people, the better off we are.
Unfortunately none of the above tactics seem to work on any US airlines, but how many gate agents do you know that get paid below $50,000?
