As a TD, you don’t want to catch yourself spending too much time in the airport unless you have access to the lounges like the Red Carpet Club or the Admiral’s Club. Sitting at airport gates or at bars in the airport just doesn’t cut it. You need to be amongst the peaceful and luxurious.
So when you get to your gate, it can sometimes be a moment or two before they board the plane. Of course, at this juncture, there is undoubtedly a mob of passengers (or rather, sheep) waiting just before the ticket boarding machine. Naturally, since airport design sucks, there is never enough room for too many people to congregate and rarely any definition of a single-file line. Of course, this just invites chaos since you have a group of zealous passengers all vying to get on the plane first so they seize an opportunity to secure that all elusive overhead bin space. Below is your classic gate area, granted this gate area actually looks quite open in space which is very rare indeed.
Now, as a TD, you have status, which is great, because that means you get to board before the sheep (or most of the sheep since even other status fliers are not all TDs, they’re just enhanced sheep). There are still two problems, however:
1. If you approach the gate somewhat late and they have just begun the boarding process, the crowd has formed and it is usually large crowd full of different seating area passengers, including the pre-boarders.
2. On hub-to-hub flights, you generally may be on a flight where there is an extreme abundance of other status fliers, people who all have access to board first, which is also a pain in the ass.
So how do you counter these issues? First of all, you can’t show up too late. Once the sheep are all boarded or way ahead of you in line on the jetway, that’s it, you’re stuck. But, if they have just begun the boarding process and the first few people have made their way to the front, there are options. Let’s explore them.
Firstly, waiting just before the boarding process begins and looking around for a few moments reveals just how stupid and annoying people can be. It is funny watching people with Seating Area 4 standing right in the way of the ticketing machine and blocking everyone else when they won’t be boarding to save their life; Those incompetent fools. The best is when these losers try to board when Seating Area 1 is called and the agent tells them to go away. I snicker inside and my ego inflates by a notch when this occurs. It is very exciting. Below, we have a gate agent really laying it on thick to this amoeba-brained, tattooed, bad hair day woman. Quite a thrill.
Secondly, you have to use some creative judgement when you’re Seating Area 1 and you’re standing at the back of the crowd and they are about to begin the boarding process. To get to the front, there is of course the polite way: Simply ask people to excuse you. But this doesn’t work well. People are slow, stodgy, and even when they do move, they move like an inch to the right and expect you to squeeze through as if they just used all their might to part the high seas. Those fucking morons… move your ass! So the polite way doesn’t work. Instead, you need to be a TD. Generally speaking, this requires you to meander your way around the outskirts of the crowd and just like in football, find the holes. Now, a true TD will use his roller bag either in front or behind and will make certain to crush people’s toes, especially old people with Seating Area 4. Make them wince and never want to fly to that destination again.
Thirdly, when you do finally board the plane, you need to be sure to maximize your presence, which is why I refer you to this post. After maximizing your overhead, simply take your god-given right to your first class seat so you can get drunk.
Just another day in the life of a total dickhead trying to hump his way from point to point.