Only the best consultants understand bringing innovation, ingenuity, and value to their clients. Those are the same consultants that blow 80-100 hours a week on their work for their clients on the deliverables they have promised.
80 to 100 hours a week, you ask? How exactly, then, does that leave time to hop aboard my catamaran in the south pacific or burn skid marks on Santa Monica Blvd in my rented Cadillac CTS?
Well, if you’re asking just a normal consultant, the answer is, uh, no, you don’t have time for that. In fact, what it also means is that you’ll be eating lunch at your keyboard under flourescent lighting getting that incredible LCD tan we love so much and then ordering Chinese food delivered to the client’s office. The truly hardcore go for the vending machines: The Snickers bar is always a good pick me up.
Who do you make us out for, anyways? No fucking total dickhead is going to let his lifestyle resort to desperate measures. The only measures a total dickhead has to worry about are the bust sizes of his dozen girlfriends, one in each major metropolitan city where he has work going on.
Therein lies the burning question: How then, oh wise total dickhead, do you manage to achieve superb quality and incredible value to clients and make them look so damn good at the same time and still have them coming back begging for more? The art meets the science as we all well know.
Lesson 1: Experts are listened to but experts aren’t always really experts. They certainly sound like they know what they’re talking about and they seem so very confident. And the fact is most people listen to them and believe them at will without ever checking the facts. Your most studious and clever executives are often victims of this same disposition. So a total dickhead quickly creates the mere perception that he is an expert, thereby reducing work checking and additional research while avoiding resistance and skepticism in the work and recommendations he produces.
Think about that for one god damn, TD moment: That means he can recommend almost anything and have people believe it. What does that translate to? You guessed it, less to be done and more time for cocktail hour.
Lesson 2: Make them like you. Experts might be respected, but they aren’t always liked. A total dickhead consultant knows his clients well if he can instil likeness in them. If he can woo his client to like him, his client becomes indisposed to him and values him [as a friend]. Besides, even executives know a dirty martini with blue cheese filled olives is a drink not to be reckoned with.
Lesson 3: Put it all together and make it pretty. Yes, research must be done and work must be completed and papers and documents compiled, justifications verified… and on and on. Frankly, though, putting the styled design and touches on a deliverable is what distinguishes the ‘best consultant’ described above from the total dickhead that knows his client.
See? We weren’t kidding when we were telling you about the total dickhead. He is the consultant you love to hate. He just has it all and is still as care- and stress-free as a teacher on summer fucking break. Of course, the only difference between the teacher on summer break and the TD is that the TD is billing $650 an hour while on a 747 in first class on his way to Fiji.