Any dick needs a top 10 list of reminders for the firm’s office holiday party.
So what is the standard code of conduct at these things? Heeeere we go:
1. Always double-fist. Why? Two reasons. One, so you can always have an extra drink for that hot ass analyst you spotted on the way in arm-locked to that nerdy strat. guy you remember from Wharton (how did that rich Jew get hired again? Oh riiiight). Two, so that you can have two drinks in the meantime, you idiot!
2. Wear a tuxedo. Standard TD attire. Make sure you don’t have a gay ass clip-on bowtie. Toss a homeless guy a dime and have him affix it for you before you arrive.
3. Always act interested when you ask everyone else the question, “So what client are you working on?”
4. Be sure to steer clear of any HR folks. They somehow manage to get invited (well, I guess they organized it) but you know they already hate you (and your office sexual practices) so best to keep your distance.
5. Under no circumstances do you speak to anyone from Expense Compliance. They know your name better than you know the curves on the ass of that hot female Managing Partner you’ve been sleeping with.
6. Only drink the top shelf Cognac, licquers, or Scotch. Why only those, you ask? Because they’re good… and expensive. Oh, and don’t forget the proverbial Grey Goose Martini with Blue Cheese olives.
7. Do not mention your trips to Dubai to anyone, except maybe your fellow TDs. After all, you need to have good stories to keep one-upping them.
8. Invite the National Managing Partner to play a round of golf (at his country club so he pays).
9. Use your Blackberry to buy that air ticket to Bangkok in First class. Something about buying a first class ticket in a tux at a big party makes anyone feel good.
10. Casually run into the analysts on your project team and inform them that they’ll need to put overtime in the rest of the weekend and that they will need to show up at the office at 7:30 AM sharp, tomorrow morning. Then laugh in their face and tell them you’re kidding and that they should lighten up… and that the real overtime is actually true, its just going to happen the following week. And did I mention you’ll need to stay all weekend, on-site at the client’s offices too?