It’s hard being a total dickhead consultant, what with all the hopping around the globe in first class lie flats, constantly eating $150 a plate dinners, staying in 4-star hotels in all the world’s major cities and reveling in the fact that you’re never paying a penny for it. It is also tough to be a banker, too. Sure, its pretty hard to deal with that 5 or 6 figure bonus each year but you also have to worry about putting those dry and boring prospectuses together for companies that often no one really cares about, and getting shit on by eccentric and awkwardly social, overweight Managing Directors.
Yes, it seems like a tough life for both professions. Let’s try and break it all down and do a little side-by-side comparison to see who has the worst life between the two.
| Category | Consulting | Investment Banking |
| Compensation | Excellent Base; Mediocre Bonus | Paltry Base; Sensational (usually) bonuses |
| Hours | About 10, max 15 a week, but certainly bills about 55 | About 70 reported but at least 80 usually |
| Travel | First Class, Global Mutha Fucka | Has to hang out in New York all the time but occasionally flies Economy (oooo!!!) |
| Global Travel | All year long, baby | I can actually leave the office? Or even Manhattan? How novel! |
| Time in a single location other than home | Many days if not weeks or months | Can barely tell what time they’re jerking off in the airport bathroom stall during the 24 hr period on their IPO road-show |
| Hotel Quality | Four Seasons | If they’re lucky, something with a bed or cot |
| Palate Quality | Top restaurants for full-service $150 per plate meals and $2,000 bottles of Bordeaux wines | Fu Man Chu Chinese Delivery, delivered to the office at 7 PM (gotta have that Orange Chicken!) |
| Weekend Work | Umm… see Hours | Yes, constantly |
| Remote Work Flexibility | Hey, I can use the Airfone if I need to, anywhere and everywhere | Don’t even think of leaving the office |
| Reputation | Downsizing Kings | Fat, Rich Bastards |
| Appearance | Groomed, slick, and stunningly good looking | Did we mention the part about being fat? |
| Wardrobe | Armani suits | Brooks Brothers button-downs, usually ruffled and/or untucked |
| Frequency of obtaining ass | Constantly and from every country in the world | Red light district Manhattan Call Girls with HIV |
| FF Miles in a year | At least 100,000 on a single carrier | Maybe a few thousand, from several carriers |
| Frequency of bullshit | Practically invented it | Copycatting the consultants |
| Free Time | Anytime! (and be sure to bill those hours too) | For those few minutes at 1 AM when you can jerk it underneath the desk and no one can see you in your office |
| Health | Hard body | Beer bellies, anyone? |
| Beer Choice | Anything but domestic! | Busch Light, maybe Miller on a good day (is there anything else out there?) |
| Wine of choice | Dom. Romanée Conti 1997 | Carlo Rossi, in a jug |
| Quality of girlfriend | All of them are smoking hot | Usually just that one gold-digging, prissy ibanker chick from the Hamptons |
| Consultant | Investment Banker |
The archetypal TD, in his prime |
Here’s what success in banking gets you. At least he’s got a suit on… |
She’s Israeli and she’s a consultant |
She’s a New Yorker Banker Chick. Is that Busch Light in her hand? |
So which career path would you choose?
NachoLibre Says:
January 27th, 2007 at 5:46 amVisit NachoLibre
Ok, this explain clearly why we all want to be a rockin’ good-looking TD consultant.
The next step could be : what are we supposed to do to become one of them?
personal advisor Says:
January 29th, 2007 at 6:25 pmVisit personal advisor
who cares what you look like when this guy clearly talks a complete load of bollocks. I never heard such unbelievable crap as that posted on this blog.
that kind of talk just makes you look like a C*nt…and makes me feel embarrased to be a human…
MileHighClub Says:
January 31st, 2007 at 9:00 pmVisit MileHighClub
HAHAHAH. NICE. Best comparison I’ve ever seen.
totaldickhead Says:
January 31st, 2007 at 10:55 pmVisit totaldickhead
who cares what you look like? complete load of bullocks?
This is all true shit! How can it possibly be fictitious? I mean, c’mon, its totally real!
flimflamflummox Says:
February 2nd, 2007 at 8:04 pmVisit flimflamflummox
personal advisor, every second you spend reading and posting on this blog is a minute you’re *not* spending slaving over Excel models for your latest go-nowhere M&A pitch. Get back to work!
Machiavelli Says:
February 4th, 2007 at 4:49 amVisit Machiavelli
I can’t help but wonder if this is a swing at our over worked cousins at http://www.leveragedsellout.com
Keep the stories coming!
allamericandouche Says:
February 15th, 2007 at 11:32 amVisit allamericandouche
“I can’t help but wonder if this is a swing at our over worked cousins at http://www.leveragedsellout.com
Keep the stories coming!”
Damn right it is… speaking of which, why is the douchebag from leveragedsellout ignoring GDiFC? I say we get some posts going about i-bankers/consultants.
totaldickhead Says:
February 15th, 2007 at 12:03 pmVisit totaldickhead
Fellas, I know… I know… its a tough plug against our i-banking compadres. We all have to face the music sometime though. What would rather be be, anyways? Be a banker and pretending you’re special, dancing to Depeche Mode in a swank club while sniffing cocaine off a hooker’s ass or… being a humble management consultant having a private party with Paul Oakenfold spinning and hot chicks from every nation on the planet throwing themselves at you on your private 120 foot yacht on the Indian Ocean (while putting that conference call on Mute)?
Alnighter Says:
April 17th, 2007 at 8:25 amVisit Alnighter
Dude, I’m the first to laugh at i-bankers (and love the comparison btw), but if your idea of style is wearing an Armani suit, you’ve got a long way to go buddy. I mean, a SERIOUSLY long way to go
sad sad consultant Says:
May 3rd, 2007 at 2:44 pmVisit sad sad consultant
Well!
It makes me sad to be a consultant when I have to read that you, trying to be the epitome of the consultant, lower yourself to try and trash the guys making more money than you do…
I thought we were their equals, your envy makes us seem pretty low…
A sad sad consultant
airportlurker Says:
May 6th, 2007 at 10:06 pmVisit airportlurker
Are they are equals? Each wants each other’s jobs. And making more money is far from the most important variable. What about the first class travel??????
sad sad ibanker Says:
May 7th, 2007 at 9:18 amVisit sad sad ibanker
Well!
It makes me sad to be an investment banker when I have to read that you, trying to be the sad sad consultant, lower yourself to try and trash the consultants who are trashing us.
I thought we were equals, your shame makes you seem pretty low.
A sad sad investment banker
pedro Says:
September 28th, 2007 at 9:38 pmVisit pedro
To preface this, I do think that consulting is a great career…however, this post, though jokingly, seems to miss a major point about consulting vs. banking. The truth is that bankers are just much more high profile than consultants. There are no movies about consultants, while many about wall street…there is a reason Patrick Bateman worked in M&A. It’s hard to have a sexy career when you spend all your time in rural Iowa…
Anonymous Says:
November 15th, 2007 at 9:58 pmVisit Anonymous
im pretty sure the israeli girl whose picture is up there was miss israel one year…
Anonymous Says:
November 23rd, 2007 at 7:15 amVisit Anonymous
I’m going to become na
Anonymous Says:
November 23rd, 2007 at 7:16 amVisit Anonymous
i plan on becoming a banker or consultant all i care about is money any advice
FIRST CLASS TWAT Says:
February 7th, 2008 at 2:27 pmVisit FIRST CLASS TWAT
If the greatest pleasure in your life is the suit you wear to WORK and the class of flight you RATE YOURSELF ON when you WORK you are a really sad sad E-M-P-L-O-Y-E-E.
Anonymous Says:
February 8th, 2008 at 7:22 pmVisit Anonymous
consultants are main street. their clients are main street. armani suits are clearly out of place. and he needs a trip to milan. i thought consultants were creatively inclined. this post proves me wrong.
mensamember Says:
February 12th, 2008 at 11:02 amVisit mensamember
FCT, I assume you’re a banker because it took you a little while there to spell a rather pedestrian word, “employee”. And wait… hmm… yes, I just turned and asked the engagement partner - getting drunk in first class in a Hickey Freeman while sporting inflated credibility and an ego so big it had to be put in checked baggage - he says that’s his greatest pleasure in life too.
Let me help you with this one.
He’s actually a P-A-R-T-N-E-R, which is just a fancy word for O-W-N-E-R. That’s different from an E-M-P-L-O-Y-E-E.
alaa Says:
March 8th, 2008 at 5:27 amVisit alaa
i love you
Pierce & Pierce Says:
April 10th, 2008 at 6:40 pmVisit Pierce & Pierce
Please get your facts straight.