Getting Drunk in First Class

Like any good TD consultant, I always have my goods hanging out for the world to see. No, I’m not talking about my Johnson, I’m talking about my rez’. Every head hunter in town has got a copy of my resume and is whoring it out to the next highest bidder.

When I sat down and checked my email, my eyes came across a very enticing offer: VB.Net Developer for Arkansas. Wow, what in the fuck did these people miss on my resume? Obviously they glossed right over the, “Flew over 350,000 miles in paid first class” and, “Drank over 10 bottles of Martin Louis XIII Cognac at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse”. What the fuck is in Arkansas that could possibly appeal to me? The only jets I know of flying in and out of that god forsaken country are regional jets.

I gaped at the email subject like a person would stare at car accident victim laying on the side of the road, bleeding as they drove by in the opposite lane. Shocked, I clicked on the message (I can’t resist my morbid curiosity):

VB.Net Developer for Arkansas

Hi,

Client is looking for someone can start immediately……..do reply me with your updated resume.

Position: VB.Net Developer
Location: Arkansas
Duration: 6-12 Months

Rate: $35/H(C-2-C)

Skills are .Net (VB.Net) and C#. Must have some Flash experience.
PHP is a big plus.
All new development will be in .Net.

Sabane Dulcha
Sales & Resource Manager

At this point I’m wondering if somebody stole my identity and was applying for some bogus jobs as a sick joke. And in addition to the grammar fuck-ups, I’m pretty sure he forgot a “0″ in the hourly rate (must have been a typo). Just for the hell of it I Googled the coompany’s website to find this steaming pile of shit.

Wow, these people actually have the audacity to call themselves consultants! A quick glance at their menu and you’ll notice they have a wide array of “consulting” services:

Oh wow! Staff Augmentation! This must be a strategy firm we’re dealing with here! Oh look at that… a web development offering. Oh graphic design! Now that makes for a full service consulting firm! My favorite part is the Offshore Projects. Yes folks, this little firm in Arkansas is a global enterprise! I wonder if I could call up their Engineering Services for a nuclear power plant project I’m working on for an economic model in Indonesia? Maybe they could source some pieces of the engineering efforts to their offshore operations? If they can’t handle any of that, maybe I’ll pass off my economic findings to their incredible graphic design department for formatting. Wait, their graphic design clearly sucks, so no.

Ok, I’m going to get serious and talk about their staff augmentation services. If anybody needs 0 people, you should give these folks a call! They’ll be able to staff up your call center operations with 0 people! Or a hundred a guess… but that 0 person staffing capability is amazing. I wonder how much they bill out for that? I know my firm would bill out at least $500 an hour for those 0 people.

This just keeps getting better… I wonder what other quals this place has?

Well lookie there! They’re a GM Nationwide Vendor! Somehow this consulting firm made it onto GM’s vendor list! What an accomplishment! I’m guessing it must be from their diverse workforce that is displayed on their website.

This must be one of the vice presidents working from their Chinese operations office. She’s probably selling a graphic design project to the Chinese government. It certainly looks like a very lively conversation (hey wait, are we looking at a cell phone company’s website here or a ‘consulting’ company’s website? I forgot…)

I also found out they build houses as well. Take a look:

That’s right. Do you need a web application with that house? No problem! And, if you call within the next 5 minutes, we’ll even throw in an SAP implementation for FREE! Limited time offer only folks! Supplies limited (after all, we can only staff form 0 to 100)!

I could drone on all day about these people but with a tagline like, “We Add ‘IT’ to the name!”, I think you get the idea.

And do me a favor, quit sending me job offers for $35 an hour and please take ‘consulting’ out of your name so people don’t get you confused with the dickheads that stay in the Four Seasons Manhattan and drink bottles of Dom like its going out of style!