Getting Drunk in First Class

FC_Consultant posted a comment in our Consultantese section of a fine example of consulting bullshit that is regularly spewed out by consultants. We felt compelled this fine piece of work into English.
STATEMENT OF WORK
TITLE: Transparency Initiative Support for Collaborative Relations Efforts
PURPOSE: The purpose of this task order is to provide policy analysis and assessment, and [...]

Looks like one of our friends was subtly objecting to flying on a regional jet with the seatbelt sign on by taking a piss in the airline’s barf bag.
SkyWest Airlines apologized to a passenger who said he wasn’t allowed to use the restroom during a one-hour flight and ended up urinating in an air-sickness bag.
When [...]

Dear Vacation-Bound Infrequent Traveler,
 
From the moment I saw you fumbling your way through the metal detector three times back in security (it was I who preemptively yelled “MALE ASSIST”), I prayed we would not be on the same aircraft.  But thank you for sitting next to me and reaching out to be my new “flight [...]

After my last trip to Dubai, I really thought I had out-done myself. I literally walked away from the client site and my team on the ground unscathed and managed to have all the fresh ocean breezes flow through my hair sailing mystfully out into the Persian Gulf. All I really needed was my world [...]

Welcome to the blog, mensamember. Thanks, thanks - great to be here.
The perfect consultant has no clients. You probably assume this is because I love being on the bench, drunk/salaried on a Tuesday afternoon at home by myself. Nay. The perfect consultant has no clients because clients are, by definition, stupid. Try to keep up: If clients [...]