Getting Drunk in First Class

FC_Consultant posted a comment in our Consultantese section of a fine example of consulting bullshit that is regularly spewed out by consultants. We felt compelled this fine piece of work into English.

STATEMENT OF WORK
TITLE: Transparency Initiative Support for Collaborative Relations Efforts

PURPOSE: The purpose of this task order is to provide policy analysis and assessment, and support for the transparency initiative efforts to support existing collaboratives and promote the establishment of additional collaboratives

This one is for the Contracts class in business school, kids. Looks like a partner is trying to sell some bullshit methodologies about managing vendors and/or contractrs. The title, “Make sure your vendors aren’t bullshitting you” would be more appropriate here.

SCOPE OF WORK:
The contractor will cultivate relationships with and facilitate communications between nascent pilots and existing networks.

The scope of work is simply a umbrella “cover your ass” statement. It more or less states what the consultancy will do but more importantly, what they will not do. Also, if you read closely, the statement of work usually has some clause that “we are ultimately not responsible for anything, no matter how bad we fuck things up.”

The contractor will update the project plan database regularly with any tasks that have been reported to them as completed. added to the project plan, revised in the project plans and/or updated in the project plan. The contractor will also meet at least weekly with the Project Officer and other staff as needed to review collaborative relations efforts and ensure quick transparency ten learning from successes/challenges of pilot site so plans can be modified. As necessary, to maintain momentum consistent with the proliferation and development of collaboratives, the contractor will support transparency team efforts to ensure that the following processes are occurring;

See what I mean? No where in the paragraph above did it say anything about the consultancy running the whole the show. Hell no! The main focus of this paragraph was to pin any shit on the “contractor”. Little does the contractor know, but they’re being setup for the fall when things get really fucked up. This is a common and easy middle man ‘let the shit roll down hill’ technique.

Communication/Cross-Pollination among collaboratives

(a) Support rapid sharing of knowledge, learning, and best practices across current and future collaboratives;

Translation: Google some bullshit process flows to throw into a PowerPoint deck to rehash to the client while billing them $235,000 along with a dozen team dinners to Morton’s.

Harmonization
(b) Ensure that collaboratives identify a common set of quality and cost metrics to be applied across alt care settings;

Concoct some flashy, meaningless spreadsheet where the contractors can put in some numbers they pulled out of their ass to show to the client. Make sure this cost-metric hides the Catamaran cruises in Dubai.

(c) Help support the work involved with encouraging collaboratives to identify options for expanding the scope of measures to be implemented across current and figure collaboratives, including methods for price transparency and measures that span care settings;
Nurturing/Chattering

Part C is interesting because it contains some very subtle languge. You’ll notice it says, “Help support the work…”; not actually, “Support the work”. God forbid that anybody actually commits to supporting work! Besides, why the hell would you want to support work when you can just “help” support work? Sounds like this partner attempting to fill up a conference room installed with bleacher seating to support a bunch of $350 an hour warm bodies while they IM their buddies that took industry jobs about their late-night debauchery at the strip-joint with the managing directors. Nothing like a client-sponsored lap dance!

The net net for part C is all about billing the client while coming up with more shit to bill them. “Expanding Scope” translates to “Look for new sales opportunities so we can sink our fangs deeper into your business and suck some more precious cash out of your coffers”.

(d) Help support the work involved with encouraging collaboratives to develop and implement effective strategies for nurturing future collaboratives, including support for cross-collaborative mentoring, the development of a tool kit to assist the rapid development of future collaboratives, a process for “chartering”, and the identification of immediate, mid-term and long-term potential collaborative sites.

Some more sales bullshit; sounds like a tool is involved as well. This tool will probably take the form as some Excel spreadsheet hacked up by some business analyst or worse, an Access Database that the firm will not only bill the client for; but when the tool is complete, they’ll turn around and sell it to the same client for $150,000. After they sell the steaming pile of shit to that client, a bunch of other partners will get raging hard-ons about the tool and start selling it to other clients. It’s one steaming pile of shit after another. Sooner or later, a trail of tears is left behind in the aftermath.

If one were to translate this document from consultantese into plain ol’ english, it would read something like this:

STATEMENT OF WORK:
TITLE: Make sure the other vendors you hired are doing their shit and not scamming you like we’re going to do to you. After all, at least you like us.

PURPOSE: We’re going to pore over all the shit that any vendors throw at you to make sure that’s what you really need to have done so you’re not wasting so much money. If any new projects crop up, we’re going to be the first in line to sell you more of our warm (and usually stunningly good-looking) bodies.

SCOPE: We’re going to make sure the contractors regularly report on a shit-ton of metrics, including budget and timelines, to the people managing the project so that they at least have a clue what’s going on (little do they know the contractors are probably spoon-feeding the system made-up fantasies). Hopefully the folks managing the project will be able to get on the contractors’ asses if they fuck start fucking things up.

(a) When somebody has a question about how to manage any of the projects, we’ll make some analysts Google some shit and throw it into a deck. The manager will edit this deck 20 times before it is presented to the client. Total cost? $192,000 + $19,000 for a team outing to Disney World and an all-expense paid team trip to Las Vegas with a couple hundred in starter chips at the Blackjack tables.

(b) Make sure we are not comparing apples to oranges when we’re comparing project costs and timelines. God, I kinda like apples more than I like oranges. Though the orange juice in the lounge at the hotel in the morning isn’t half-bad… Wait… What?

(c) If any opportunity comes along and the scope becomes larger than originally anticipated; we get first dibs on selling you shit by first looking to see how we can staff up the project with more of our bodies. If we don’t have enough bodies, we’ll staff it up with our “preferred contractors” who will give us kick-backs (which we will surely not pass along to you).

(d) Wave our magic wand to generate a long-term program roadmap that favors staffing up the project with our own bodies. We’ll also develop some lame spreadsheet or Access database while billing you and when we finish that tool, we’ll turn around and charge you again for our “Intellectual Property.”

Next time you read a “Statement of Work” like this from a consulting firm, read between the lines and you’ll discover that you’re really sponsoring a big porn ‘n beer party!