FACT: When a Ted jet lifts off, the runway has an orgasm thinking about all those passengers simultaneously getting fucked.
I flew Ted recently. With no first class section, Ted is a sorry joke, a sort of place where former Southwest cult members find gainful employment if they lose their spirit to live. It is a known quirk of the airline industry that Ted flight attendants are selected for their ability to transpose their soul into Ted’s and speak of themselves in the third person. They speak through permanent smiles painted on gritted teeth that hide a deep self-loathing. “Ted wants you to be comfortable, but Ted doesn’t have a lot of pillows.”
GDIFC draws criticism for occasional exaggeration, but what I am about to tell you is completely true. My stewardess (– yes), quite flustered after a bag jamming session, actually blurted out, “Ted wants you to be safe, but Ted will check your bag if Ted cannot close Ted’s overhead bins.” Pardon? I can only posit that her robotic nights in dark hotels sound something like, “Ted wants me to feel pleasure. Ted is touching my voluble skin. Ted, you’re so dirty from your quick turnaround service.”
Ted gate agents are spineless muppets; they refuse to chastise the quintessential seating area 2 idiot who tries to board with the professionals. When it inevitably happens, the Ted agent is confused and convinced the error is their own. They wipe away their drool, put their plastic smile back on the horn, and after the pause of confusion they utter, “Ted is now boarding seating area 2.”
Ted wants you to respect my 1K status, you son of a bitch.
I can look at a Ted passenger and see into their soul, always confirmed by a sideways glance at their boarding pass. Let us play Guess the Seating Area.
|
What I See |
Black jacket with a speedboat embroidered on the back, or denim on top and bottom |
|
Seating Area |
F (they are boarding the wrong plane) |
|
What I can Reasonably Infer |
There is indoor furniture on their front lawn |
Please silence that prattling blond on the Ted safety briefing video. I demand evidence to support any of your arcane safety procedures. Let us first come to the issue of the tray table and its celebrated “stowed and locked position”. Pray tell, before modern tray table controls, were frequent flyers frequently found impaled on tray tables? And what of the off-switch gestapo? “Rough landing? I am dreadfully sorry, fellow passengers. This is all my fault, I foolishly left my Blackberry on.”
Ted, I abhor you so much that I have decided to re-caption your safety briefing card.
Ask yourself, “Water ‘landing’? Or is this a water crash?”
Borat is a buffoon: “I remove emergency exit, yeeees.”
In the event of a water landing, do not bring your briefcase. Although surrounded by water and a burning airframe, smoking is still prohibited.
Man: “I feel dirty when I demonstrate this on the safety video.”
Stop. This radio is too large.
“We must be flying Ted, for this is strangely familiar.”
Sanjay will exit the plane by melting the glass with his laser vision.
If traveling with an adult dwarf, put on your oxygen mask before assisting the dwarf.
Joe Says:
May 7th, 2007 at 6:46 amVisit Joe
1K?! Surely you would rather call Global Services and get your United concierge on their asses.
Franco Prussia Says:
May 7th, 2007 at 9:16 amVisit Franco Prussia
Ted has flights now? I thought they just decorated airports with unused planes.
totaldickhead Says:
May 7th, 2007 at 10:07 amVisit totaldickhead
First class is on my checklist for accepting new clients or taking on new projects. If there isn’t any first class on my primary airlines for the route that I’d have to take, then forget it, that client will have to get pissed on by some other firm who is willing to fly coach. Suckers…
McKismyBitch Says:
May 7th, 2007 at 11:49 amVisit McKismyBitch
This site is lame. The captions are so freakin’ boring. The rumor is true isn’t it. Consultant’s are kind of boring…
Deadhedge Says:
May 7th, 2007 at 2:00 pmVisit Deadhedge
The complaints about people with seat area 2 boarding before you further proves that the competition is never so intense when the stakes are so low.
heffa Says:
May 8th, 2007 at 7:59 pmVisit heffa
Check out our FlyerTalk:
http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/showthread.php?t=690949
Shelagh Says:
May 10th, 2007 at 12:46 amVisit Shelagh
That was hilarious. I laughed out loud to myself in my platinum-upgraded deluxe room (aka home) decorated in shades of cherry wood.
Mileage Runner Says:
May 10th, 2007 at 4:25 amVisit Mileage Runner
Keep it going, I’m at the end of a mileage run, and how many of the things you have said have come true in real life.
SFO-ORD, bastard almost crushed my laptop screen, no care about reclining his seat, nor did he remember before landing (Oi Dickhead we are landing or being served meals) oh he didn’t remember he reclined his seat on landing, idiot.
Or the twits in Seating 3 who block the boarding entry, yeah right they will call you first, they will call you to board when ready, no need to say excuse me, and then stop next to the gate, when you need to basically push past them, I need a 4WD carry on! Spikes in the wheels to make people move.
Or how about the idiots who think they can bring everything including the kitchen sink on board. There is a thing called Checked Luggage, FU, if your makeup kit is larger most peoples bags, if need that much make up, you shouldn’t be seen in public, 2 x 777-200 flights today, everything was full on board, stuff was chucked off and delayed the flights.
ORD-LAX same thing, lets bring the kitchen sink on board, it will fit, well guess what it won’t, check you bags in and stop whinging, and if you crush my bag again, I will shove it internally to the planes overhead locker, so you will be very last person see that bag again.
Staff tried their best today, but flying with stupid people is where you really need a door bitch at the door of the aircraft, check it or your not on.
Franco Prussia Says:
May 12th, 2007 at 4:52 pmVisit Franco Prussia
I blame the airlines for getting too easy on people who bring bags big enough to smuggle a Mexican family as carry on.
totaldickhead Says:
May 14th, 2007 at 11:10 pmVisit totaldickhead
You sure as shit got that right. I, totaldickhead, was forced to fly on a regional this fine Monday and witnessed a fat man board with a brief case stuffed to the mother-fucking brim. As he smash-closed the overhead bin, I could have sworn I heard “meow” in that damn bag. Hell, the guy must have had 10 changes of clothes in a briefcase shoulder bag. Unfuckingbelievable.
airportlurker Says:
May 14th, 2007 at 11:50 pmVisit airportlurker
mensamember, you wrote an article about TED and didn’t mention the lack of a full can during economy beverage service?
mensamember Says:
May 15th, 2007 at 4:09 pmVisit mensamember
Apologies. I never drink the soda, even on Ted. I prefer to hand the stewardess a $50 and repeat one of my favorite exchanges:
“I don’t know if I can break a 50, sir.”
“I’m not asking you to. When you run out of Dewars, finish my order off with Jim Bean or Courvoisier.”
Usually they respond that they cannot serve me this much liquor. Then we begin negotiations.
air Says:
May 17th, 2007 at 10:39 amVisit air
dude, copying airtoons.com is not cool. not cool at all.
mensamember Says:
May 18th, 2007 at 12:16 pmVisit mensamember
Dear Air,
I did not know about airtoons until after posting. Fearful of people like you, I carefully examined the content for overlap a few weeks ago (I’m used to this; always happens when my clients lawyer up). Note that:
1) The dwarf picture is the only one that appears on both sites
2) The pictures I have captioned do indeed come from a single Ted safety briefing while airPoons samples more exotic fare
3) Do people watch little league and say, “dude, copying MLB is not cool, not cool at all”?
4) As a consultant, it is a demerit to generate new Intellectual Capital when something to be pilfered already exists, so you have shamed me in a way quite different than you intended.
Now, get back to selling t-shirts on airtoons.com. Apologies for threatening your livelihood.