Dear Generic Metropolitan Taxi Driver,
I know that your brown skin entitles you to make fun of white-collar assholes such as myself but it’s really people like you that force me to call my private car service more often. I honestly don’t want to do that since I do want to support the “little guy.” Sure, you’ve saved my ass many times stumbling out of nightclubs when I need a fast escape from the dirty broad who I pissed off at the bar. Other times, you’ve graced me with your presence just in time as I was getting a young honey to follow me back to the hotel. You understand my situation. We’re both lonely bastards in a big, lonely city and we all need a little lovin’ sometimes. I write this, however, because I am finally fed up with your bullshit.
First, your car smells of shit and piss. Either it was your previous passengers or you yourself that smells like the inside of a Rhino’s asshole. The air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror quit working in 1989. Please buy a new one. I’ve tipped you enough times that you can afford a $0.99 pine scented air freshener from Walgreen’s. While you’re at it, get the fucking car cleaned. The air freshener is one thing but that piss isn’t going to flush itself away.
Secondly, when I decide to pay by credit card, do not respond by telling me your fucking machine doesn’t work today. Get your manual card slider out ya’ shit-for-brains. If you don’t have one, call it in. Don’t have a phone? No problem, you can use mine. Shit, I’ll wait as long as it takes for you to process my fucking card. If you still refuse and force me to find an ATM, you will turn off the fucking meter and I will be deducting the ATM transaction fee from your tip, you slimy bastard.
Thirdly, get out of the car at the beginning and the end of the trip to load my fucking Tumi into the trunk. I don’t care if you weigh 350 lbs or there is on-coming traffic on the driver’s side of the car. Get your ass out, risk your life if you have to, and use a little elbow grease to get my stuff into the trunk of your rat-infested shit-mobile.
Fourthly, invest in a hand vacuum. It will do wonders when you suck up all the crumbs sitting on your oversize belly and in the passenger seat from all the fast-food you’ve stuffed your face with over the past 24 hours. You might even need to get out of your car once in awhile and take a potty break. Or wait, was that the shit & piss smell from before? Either way, get the vacuum.
Fifthly, do not grumble and moan when I am with 2 or 3 other passengers and one of us has to subject ourselves to sitting next to your pathetic existence in the front passenger seat. Move your fuckin’ envelopes, receipts, and bills outta the way; we’re paying you and we’re sitting down as comfortably as possible.
Sixthly, don’t try to jack the meter. I know how much the fare is and when you “click” an extra person fee into the meter, your tip just went to the titty bar I told you to take me to. There’s a reason why you’re driving my ass from the Four Seasons and it’s because I can read the fares posted in the back of your car. Maybe you should learn how to count to 5 in English so you can figure that one out.
Seventhly (yes, seventhly), when it’s 105 degrees outside turn on your god damn air conditioner. I don’t care if it robs your precious shit-mobile of 5 horse power. Maybe if you’d quit stepping on the gas and jamming on the breaks at the stop lights you’d get your gas mileage back. Did you ever think of that one?
Lastly, when I call ahead and you’re notified to show up at a specific time and you do not show, do not be mad or surprised that I have left and called my private car service. Like I have time to spare waiting for your garbage can on four wheels to arrive when I could be at the airport in the first class lounge munching crackers and brie cheese.
I loved you cabbie… I really did. But now, I hate you. Clean up your act and do something with your filthy self. Improve your shitty service.
Sincerely,
Total Dickhead
Pra Says:
May 21st, 2007 at 11:22 amVisit Pra
I’m a Wharton MBA student and I use the Philly cabs a lot. Whenever I try to use my credit-card I get some excuse in broken English why I can’t use it.
mensamember Says:
May 21st, 2007 at 12:01 pmVisit mensamember
What is with the cabbies with road rage? That’s like those consultants who abstain from alcohol or cliets that do not like to take it in the ass from vendors: Maybe you’re in the wrong line of work. I’m always uncomfortable, like watching couples who have no issues fighting openly in front of you.
Also, get off your cell phone. I can’t hear my conference call and I don’t want to explain the Kudrati in the background as “the team I’m driving hard here in Bangalore.”
Why do I never have anything to say back to you besides an insincere “Oh. Wow.” when you rattle off your patently false story abou the girl who had no cash so she offered to fellate you? Because god knows nothing could fit between your stomach-slash-mobile-office and the steering column. Want to talk about what I do? I sew golden parachutes. Now leave me alone.
airportlurker Says:
May 21st, 2007 at 1:41 pmVisit airportlurker
HAhahahahahhaa.
God this shit is true. I thought total dickhead was too good for cabs, anyways? Oh well, I guess the explains the private car service. After all, it really isn’t that much more expensive anyway.
Time to sew some more golden parachutes. “It is niiiice.”
allamericandouche Says:
May 21st, 2007 at 1:45 pmVisit allamericandouche
Eh… like TD said… cabs are only good at whisking you away from that broad you just pissed off.
Other then that, I sure as hell wouldn’t be caught dead in a cab… well… maybe I would be caught dead, in the trunk of a cab…. wait what?
Anonymous Says:
May 21st, 2007 at 1:59 pmVisit Anonymous
haha! that perfectly captures every annoyance i have with these degenerate city cab drivers.
hilarious - and so true.
Exiled_to_NYC Says:
May 21st, 2007 at 7:10 pmVisit Exiled_to_NYC
You MUST be talking about Washington DC, where anything that doesn’t require hitching to a beast of burden can be pressed into service as a taxi and “regulation” is a passenger’s wishful fantasy…
Dr Baloney Says:
May 23rd, 2007 at 1:20 pmVisit Dr Baloney
I was that girl would didn’t have the money for the fare
allamericandouche Says:
May 23rd, 2007 at 7:14 pmVisit allamericandouche
You’re also that girl I nailed at the strip club because you can barely speak English.
Mark Says:
May 23rd, 2007 at 10:46 pmVisit Mark
dood EBBS you make me piss my pants you so silly funny.
I was going to take a cab to midway from your place but then I thought back on this and well, I took the train. Instead of a some crazy cabi that can’t speak english i sat next to a really nasty guy in a long trench coat who jerked himself off while constantly sniffing my hair.
THANK YOU!
GreenDotter Says:
May 25th, 2007 at 9:35 amVisit GreenDotter
Dear Cabbie,
What part of “I have the right to direct the route used” do you not understand?
liarforhire Says:
May 29th, 2007 at 4:34 pmVisit liarforhire
I love the taxi drivers who tell you one thing, then do another once you’re in the cab. Hello, ten-cent tip…
Gun-Runner Says:
June 7th, 2007 at 2:02 amVisit Gun-Runner
This is hilariously-truly-hilarious
jackk Says:
June 28th, 2007 at 8:58 pmVisit jackk
I never tip them. They never seem too happy about it.
Graham Asher Says:
July 2nd, 2007 at 4:09 pmVisit Graham Asher
I think the acceleration to a ridiculous speed and then sudden braking at the lights is not strictly their fault… if I remember right, it’s forced on them, or at least there’s a huge incentive to do it, because of the way the meters work. If they get paid (as London cabbies do) a certain fixed amount each time they (i) go 200 yards, or (ii) 20 seconds passes, whichever of these two things happens first, then naturally they want to cover the distance to the next red light at warp speed so that they get as many 200-yard increments as possible without any 20-second increments, then sit at the lights getting the 20-second increments as well. I have a book about navigation theory somewhere and this is described as ‘rotating the vector’.
I agree that it’s frigging irritating.
Sarah Says:
October 15th, 2007 at 3:39 amVisit Sarah
If you pay a driver by credit card you are paying him less (he will lose between 5 and 15% of that fare depending what city and company) and you are paying him in the future, when cab driving requires cash on hand for gas etc. You’re never going to have drivers okay w/ credit cards until cities stop making laws that disallow them from passing the surcharge onto you. Then the lack of cash on hand is annoying, but not as bad as cash out of their pocket.
sexyred Says:
January 6th, 2008 at 4:08 amVisit sexyred
I am a female cab driver, and also have had my issues with some of the other cab drivers that work for the same company. I have heard horror stories about stinky cabs, rude attitudes, propostioning the women customers, taking the long route as opposed to the more direct route, talking on the cell phone in a foreign tongue the whole time a passenger is in the car etc. I get many compliments on my ability to have an intelligent conversation, how good my cab smells and my appropriate demeanor. Some cab drivers give the rest of us a bad rap! Then again there are the rude customers who insist on eating in the cab and making a mess, who verbally insult me because I am a woman and a cabbie, who do not tip and complain the whole time they are in the cab. So I guess it is a double edged sword! Yes, we put in long hours, pay through the nose for our lease and gas and at times have to deal with unacceptable behaviour, but overall I love driving a cab, and will continue until I figure out what I want to be when I grow up!