Seems we’re on a roll with guest contributions. After all, re-using the same shit over and over is at the core of consulting, so why not put on our 3-piece suits and show our true colors (yes, blue, black, or gray). One day, I’ll probably wear a double-breasted suit so I can re-live the 80’s all over again. God I miss the 80’s.
Anyways, back to the point: A young consultant (who shall be called “NoMoreBigBlue.” Gosh, wonder what tech. consulting company he’s from) sent in this little bit of wisdom about growing up in “the firm” and I thought I’d share his thoughts with all of you.
To begin:
After reading the entire page tonight I decided to throw this out there, as I think there are two specific methods of getting ass that are pretty easy for consultants.
Thanks to the widespread adoption of MySpace and Facebook by those with an IQ slightly lower than the speed limit, it’s becoming increasingly easy to find that cheerleader from high school you always wanted to screw, but didn’t have a chance for some reason. You know the girl I’m talking about - and guess what, she’s living in the same city you’re working in this week, or next week.
Whatever your previous inability to fuck the prom queen, as a consultant for a company with business cards nicer than most wedding invitations, staying in hotels that cost more per night than her rent for the month, and spending more money on a night of drinking than she makes in a week - the ball is in your court. If you can’t get her naked on the floor at the Waldorf, you’re probably not very good at your day job, either.
Second, which I think is a rite of passage of consultants - fucking the girl from the front desk at whatever po-dunk piece of shit hotel you might be staying at for months on end because it’s the only thing associated with a national chain for 60 miles. Again, you know the one I’m talking about - the 19 year old blond with the huge jugs that gives you that look every week when you check in, the “thank you for saving me from this old guy that’s hitting on me” look. Fucking vacuum salesmen or something, but that’s none of our concern - we’re the better option. This girl just wants to GET THE HELL OUT of whatever town you’re in, just like you, and you could potentially offer that to them. I call that “Take me away from here syndrome” ™. Hit on her when you check in, bring her something back from the restaurant you went to (you’re not paying for it, who cares), it takes about 11 minutes of effort over the course of a week. Have her upgrade you to a jacuzzi room and then have her bring up extra towels (this part has only worked once successfully), or just get a nobber in your rental car when she gets off at 11pm, your choice.
Do make sure you fuck her up against the window until there’s tit prints and a side profile of her face left behind for the maid on the glass. That’s class.
As a super-double-secret platinum (or a regular one) on Northworst Airlines, one of my hobbies was to find the hottest girl in the gate that looked like she was traveling alone, and have her upgraded to first class with me. Here’s how the process works:
1. Ask gate agent if there are any seats left up front(since you got upgraded 2 weeks ago), because your girlfriend is traveling with you on a different itinerary
2. Go ask the girl if she wants to sit in first class
3. She’ll ask you “how can you do that?”
4. Respond “I can do pretty much anything I want here”
5. Don’t fall asleep and drool on yourself until AFTER you’ve planned the date later that week/weekend
Optional step 6 - If connecting, take her to the worldclub/crowne room/etc and continue drinking
Bonus step 7 - Try and do her in the shower at the airline club, or hotel airport. This has never been successfully completed by myself, but its still a goal of mine. Oh, and the chubby-but-cute one that works night audit…. they can fuck up your life if you don’t talk to them after you screwed them on their managers desk in the back office one time when you were so drunk that the cabbie had to clean off the side of his cab after you puked out the window. Just change hotels, unless you want a 3, 4, and 5am wake up call every day until you leave. I don’t miss Indiana at all.
I don’t have any comments to add other than this really reminds me of the early days, the good ‘ol days of my consulting career. It’s nice to live vicariously through the young consultants out there.
Monkey Business Says:
July 28th, 2007 at 9:04 pmVisit Monkey Business
I’ve tried to explain to my non-techie friends why I want to deal with the long hours and constant travel and ridiculous managers that come with consulting, and now I can point them to this article.
An article about breaking in to consulting for new graduates or people looking to break into the field would be great. Just a suggestion!
TDinTraining Says:
July 29th, 2007 at 2:05 amVisit TDinTraining
My “Rite of Passage” was actually built into my interview (which took place at a nightclub). My future manager and one of the senior consultants sent me out to bring back a minimum of 3 phone numbers… I think they had seen Matt Damon do this in a movie before…
Seeing as they had already bought me enough rounds to kill a trucker, my “charm factor” was somewhat diminished… Though I managed to meet their quantitative expectations, the qualitative attributes of the ladies whose numbers I attained will hopefully never be known to my peers.
NoMoreBigBlue - Still flying Northworst? I’m in and out of MSP quite regularly, and I’d love to throw a few back with a fellow up-and-coming-TD sometime!
airportlurker Says:
July 29th, 2007 at 11:58 pmVisit airportlurker
I know the memories. I was recently promoted from the analyst ranks at my firm and I can say without a doubt I’m sure I’ll never have quite the same experience from here on out as I did in my first couple years here.
Pulling all-night bar sessions and eyeing the random chick in some lounge is definitely part of the repertoire around here.
TheStrategist7 Says:
August 6th, 2007 at 12:08 pmVisit TheStrategist7
Oh have i had many of those experiences.. We have a term for those girls who are cute but have a little overlap…”Cubby”, meaning Cute and chubby. Indirectly explain how you can help her “suck-seed” in life and your in there..
consultingnewb Says:
August 9th, 2007 at 11:35 amVisit consultingnewb
Holy crap, is this actually true? I just started working, but seriously man, this is all made up right? Ever since the gf read this site she’s been on my tail questioning my motive.
soccerdad Says:
August 10th, 2007 at 8:59 amVisit soccerdad
consultingnewb — you let the GF read this site? you really ARE a New B. Keep her off here. To answer your question directly….probably not for you….try accounting.
Airport_Squatter Says:
August 12th, 2007 at 12:31 pmVisit Airport_Squatter
consultingnewb - did you just say your gf read this site?? … there are 2 people that should never read this site: 1.) your gf’s, 2.) your clients!!
straighten up, newbie!
cheers!
C4life Says:
August 16th, 2007 at 7:16 pmVisit C4life
tasteless post! obviously if you have to stoop that low to pry on any type of “low-self-esteem-yet-tryin-to-make-it-through-life” female, you were obviously the guy in school that never got any play and burned the midnight oil stratgically created elaborate matrices on how you going to get out of your loser status. And most likely you will become the fat, belligerent seagull driving the red bmw convertible at the age of 50 trying to justify your lonely existence through your wallet size, wondering why your hot yet young out of control trophy wife is sucking you dry and you cannot do a damn thing about it but get drunk with your fellow seagull friends while reminscing college fight songs and collections of vague, yet empty memories like these. Sad life destiny…and you would never have a shot at getting any real female consultants on your IQ or EQ level (if you have either)
consultantguy Says:
August 17th, 2007 at 5:02 pmVisit consultantguy
consultingnewb - girlfriends are for suckers in “industry” with a “normal job” and a “permanent address”. Your corporate charge card gets you bitches a plenty. Don’t blow it.
letirr Says:
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:23 amVisit letirr
Oh C4life, that was massive pwnage! Ouch, lol
The glamor of riding on others (and literally) is so short lived. After awhile, and I’m speaking from my own experience, I felt like a soul-less bastard with nothing meaningful to live for.
portersfivebitches Says:
August 23rd, 2007 at 6:55 pmVisit portersfivebitches
You guys are sad. There is definitely sex appeal to the free-wheeling, traveling mgmt consultant. Depends on how you spin it and it definitely depends on what amount of free time you actually have left around in any given week.
It’s pretty hard getting laid during the week when you’re single and pulling all-nighters every fuckin’ night. Not quite the banking lifestyle, but sometimes it’s worse.
fluxgeneration Says:
August 23rd, 2007 at 11:05 pmVisit fluxgeneration
Wow, just how low you can get?
“as a consultant for a company with business cards nicer than most wedding invitations, staying in hotels that cost more per night than her rent for the month, and spending more money on a night of drinking than she makes in a week”
How anyone after knowing all this would still go on to glorify the act of exploiting the weak and less fortunate is kind of beyond me. Doesn’t this feel dirty to any of you?
TD_In_Training Says:
August 27th, 2007 at 9:29 pmVisit TD_In_Training
I feel dirty… from time to time…
but luckily for me - the housekeeping ladies here at the Hilton replenish my soap, lotion, shampoo, and conditioner on a daily basis…
PWC2MSFT2HDS2EMC Says:
August 30th, 2007 at 8:46 pmVisit PWC2MSFT2HDS2EMC
Life is full of compromise and what gets taken away from us (i.e industry, 9-to-5, wife and 2.37 kids, white picket fence) has to be replaced by something and the value ratio better be kick-ass. Sure it’s superficial, vacant and temporary but it’s the glorious dream we’ve all had since we were tiny little consultants and it sits on the other side of that equation. It’s happiness “lite” but it is happiness.
Imagine; sitting in the Admirals Club at Newark Liberty waiting on the 8 PM Virgin flight to Heathrow (business class) for a 2 hour client meeting the next day and then the opposite flight back (business class) right after so you can make it to another 2 hour client meeting back in the city…you forget if it’s a hotel you’re going “home” to or your apartment…you don’t forget that there is no one there, in either place.
The value ratio better be kick-ass…
C4life Says:
September 27th, 2007 at 9:36 pmVisit C4life
PWC2MSFT2HDS2EMC and consultantguy,
i really do not know what to say about your posts besides showing that you are obviously not living in this new business era & stuck in the 1980s (or 70s) when business people of all walks got away with murder. wake the hell up!!! it’s called karma and reaping what you sow. in the corporate world, it’s called Sarbox (expense reporting), STDs (messing with nasty low lives), and very short lived joy (getting off). with this way of thinking, here’s a quick “miss cleo” prediction for your life: alimony & child support bills that suck up more than 60% of your pay and seeing the kids you are paying 3 times a year by age 45, an intense rash that no hilton soap can cure by age 31, and a balding & expanding waist crisis that starts at 36. being unhappy with money and a king sized educated ego is so much worse than being dumb yet happy and broke. the life choice is yours. and oh yeah, I envy your sad life destiny as a seasoned consultant. just don’t try to hit on my unborn children on myspace 15 years from now when your lonely and sorry life hits rock bottom in your posh hotel suite.