Getting Drunk in First Class

Reading my all-time favorite magazine, Consulting Magazine, clearly the “Flagship Publication of the Consulting Profession,” I was alerted to a recent article which was a “one-on-one” with Scott Hefter of PRTM and may I point out that if you simply replace any reference to “PRTM” in the article with [your firm's name] you will essentially be reading accurate content.

Honestly, I’ve read many of these fantastic articles whilst waiting to board my Economy+ seat from JFK to LAX (unfortunately I did not make the u/g list to Business on the P.S. flight… Economy+ isn’t exactly royalty class). This article just cemented my thoughts that consulting firms really do have a nearly impossible task of innovating the consulting profession as a whole. Let’s face it, although ’smart’ people do enter the management consulting profession, most of those people don’t usually fit the profile of someone who is going to lead the world with innovative management techniques, product ideas, or other revolutionary advances in science, medicine, or the arts; rather, they’re usually relatively smart people who have short attention spans, enjoy prestige, chase money, or otherwise don’t care to really be a true expert in their specific fields. Economists, step aside please, specialization is important to growing and progressive economics, no matter how you cut it.

So back to the article. What does this have to do with all of you first class drunks out there, anyways? Well, nothing, but rather I’m speaking to our undergraduate readership who I know aspires to be the next Great Consultant of our time, enjoying insane open bar tabs and slamming the occasional female hotel clerk without ever knowing her name. If you want to make sure you have what it takes to be recruited at [any firm name here], please be sure to read the article I am speaking about. Where do I begin?

First, you have to be willing to work with bald men.

Bald, indeed. Booz Allen perhaps?

Second, you have to be part of the “best and the brightest from the best schools” OR pulled “out of industry.” Secondly, you have to be “pragmatically brilliant” and “team players.” You also need to be someone, “who [is] are really happy working as a team.” This just means that you have to be willing to stay at the client-site until 11:30 PM doing busy work, even if you have nothing to do (well, ya know, perception is important!!!). Most firms are also looking for, “a fit, team player, and [someone who has] the aspiration to want to put the time and effort in their careers … [to] … become a partner…” This just means you’re willing to settle for $650,000 a year while forking over almost every free moment of your day to would-be clients. Please don’t read the 4-Hour Workweek. Without analyzing the article any further, if you have the above qualities, you’re in, relax, life is good.

Since I am a budding dickhead, though, I have to continue making fun of this. Consider the following question and answer from the article:

Consulting: What would most people be surprised to learn about the types of consultants at PRTM?

Hefter: We have the most diverse set of people from a personality and a hobbies perspective. We’ve got a partner who’s a musician whose band recently cut an album. I’ve got another partner who’s an Indian drummer, and he’s done several recordings and worked with some very famous artists doing traditional and contemporary Indian music. We’ve [also] got a very active set of people who contribute to public service.

Really, the most diverse set of people from a personality and hobbies perspective? That distinguishes you … how, exactly? And I’m sure PRTM was in the market for musicians who can double as rainmaking partners, too. Clearly we have a winning firm here, no? One has to wonder if their website has a few African-Americans interspersed “here and there” on pages of their site that discuss “diversity.”

How about the next question, too?

Consulting: How do you assign projects?

Hefter: It’s a collaborative process, and it’s a not a science. Certainly you want to match the best consultants with the client. We try to staff as locally as possible; it’s obviously more cost-effective. It’s also more effective for managing the lifestyle. We always explain to the consultant that there’s a shared responsibility to manage their lifestyle. I always tell consultants that when we’re starting a project, ‘If you run, and you want to run three miles a day and you like to run every single day and six o’clock at night is the time that you run, then tell me.’ There’s almost nothing that we can’t work around. Work at home is also an option.

I am about to choke on my grey-goose bleu-cheese dirty martini; where do I begin? It’s a “collaborative process”? “Not a science”? Get out of town, no fucking way! You want to match the best consultants with the client? Jesus Fucking Christ, why didn’t I think of that? And even more genius is that they try staffing people locally because it’s more “cost-effective.” I know you guys don’t want to hear any more about local projects, do you? My last gripe about this is the “Work at home is also an option.” Actually, working at home is not an option. It is definitely an option, of course, if you want to stunt your career for a few years.

I’ve picked apart almost the whole damn enchilada here but one last question remains:

Consulting: How would you describe the culture at PRTM?

Hefter: I think our culture is very supportive and collaborative, yet demanding. This is a culture that is absolutely a meritocracy. If somebody does well, they will absolutely progress and they know they are not progressing at the expense of anybody else. That is such a core thing where folks know that if you help somebody else out that only reflects and shines brightly upon you. It really fundamentally drives why this place is a different kind of place.

You have to be kidding, right? PRTM is a “very supportive and collaborative, yet demanding” culture? Impossible! No consulting firm is like that! It’s also a meritocracy? That is like… so unique! McKinsey is definitely not like that at all. Lastly, before we part ways, PRTM has “… a core thing where folks know that if you help somebody else out that only reflects and shines brightly upon you.” Well, so much for the whole true meaning of a “team player.”

Remember, undergrads, all you have to do is pretend to be smart and be relatively good-looking and you too can help your future firm bill you out at $250+/hour as a fresh out of school undergraduate. You can also think of yourself as playing part in one the biggest corporate scams of all time.