Getting Drunk in First Class

“Do you mind if I stand on your desk?” I didn’t listen for the response.
It’s been one hell of a month. My new client, John, was helpful and full of data. In our fact-finding sessions he didn’t respond with the usual feigned concern and oft-repeated “I really have no idea,” that comes [...]

A few brash, young, Type A consultants (are there any other kind?) sent us a few of their receipts and I’d like to share a couple that we’ve received thus far. We generally reply to any editor submission we receive since billing 60+ client hours per week cannot practically be 60+ actual hours of work [...]

Consultants are truly in love with their own bullshit, but there’s only one thing they love more: spewing all of this bullshit into a PowerPoint presentation, also known as a “Deck”, to share with their blind-sided clients. Given the common belief that a deck’s value is proportional to its size, the euphemism was almost certainly [...]

Some of the worst words that a consultant can hear come out of a staffing managers mouth is, “you’re staffed in-town!” Staffing manager’s think this is a godsend because at night they go home to their kids in the suburbs. Their idea of a good weekend is taking their kids out to Chili’s and ordering [...]

Looks like one of our friends was subtly objecting to flying on a regional jet with the seatbelt sign on by taking a piss in the airline’s barf bag.
SkyWest Airlines apologized to a passenger who said he wasn’t allowed to use the restroom during a one-hour flight and ended up urinating in an air-sickness bag.
When [...]

Like any good TD consultant, I always have my goods hanging out for the world to see. No, I’m not talking about my Johnson, I’m talking about my rez’. Every head hunter in town has got a copy of my resume and is whoring it out to the next highest bidder.
When I sat down and [...]

TD consultants deal in huge volumes of bullshit. I suppose that’s why every one of us spends our first day on the job dreaming of first class junkets to Mumbai while a parade of IT and HR leeches quotes company policy at us. By drilling an incomprehensible load of crap into your skull, they quickly [...]

As a dickhead consultant, you cannot fully participate in a meeting unless you do what by nature has defined you to do: Act like you own the fucking place. The following is a summary of all required behavior for you in a meeting, whether with clients and/or other fellow dickheads/consultants.
Here are the following things a [...]

It is every TD’s dream to be in the good graces of a partner (or be the partner himself) that likes to take the younger consultants out for Happy Hours. These so-called ‘Happy Hours’ have many different variations, not the least of which is your typical drunken brouhaha in a dark pub set below street [...]

I was sitting in a manager-led meeting onsite at the client a while back and felt the urge to capture for posterity just how inane this fucking meeting was. So I whipped out my cellphone and surreptitiously started a voice recording. I transcribed the recording in its full glory for your viewing pleasure. [...]