Getting Drunk in First Class

FC_Consultant posted a comment in our Consultantese section of a fine example of consulting bullshit that is regularly spewed out by consultants. We felt compelled this fine piece of work into English.
STATEMENT OF WORK
TITLE: Transparency Initiative Support for Collaborative Relations Efforts
PURPOSE: The purpose of this task order is to provide policy analysis and assessment, and [...]

Maybe you’re not yet a TD consultant but you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, laughing at our ridiculous madness and yet idolizing our enviable lifestyles and are wondering just who the big dog firms are and who’s who. Here we have a brief inspection of several top consulting firms. Fortunately, we’ve spared the 2×2 [...]

If there’s one thing that pisses me off being a TD management consultant, it’s being stuck with a god damn team that works their ass off; the type of team that doesn’t appreciate the joys of a 2 hour long, $90 per head sushi lunch. These assholes will fester in their own stench like sardines [...]

Getting Drunk in First Class has been running for over a year now. Granted, we’ve been getting drunk in first class for far longer than that but as with any sort of anniversary, its important to do a little reflecting and see what has happened in the past year.
On that note, we’ve rounded up the [...]

Like any good TD consultant, I always have my goods hanging out for the world to see. No, I’m not talking about my Johnson, I’m talking about my rez’. Every head hunter in town has got a copy of my resume and is whoring it out to the next highest bidder.
When I sat down and [...]

It’s hard being a total dickhead consultant, what with all the hopping around the globe in first class lie flats, constantly eating $150 a plate dinners, staying in 4-star hotels in all the world’s major cities and reveling in the fact that you’re never paying a penny for it. It is also tough to be [...]

Any dick needs a top 10 list of reminders for the firm’s office holiday party.
So what is the standard code of conduct at these things? Heeeere we go:
1. Always double-fist. Why? Two reasons. One, so you can always have an extra drink for that hot ass analyst you spotted on the way in arm-locked to [...]

Inspire by the last words on Joel Spolsky’s post about incredibly-good-looking management consultants, I thought I would elaborate on what it takes to look like a respectable TD consultant.

French Cuffs - This is key to any TD’s wardrobe. It’s what sets the McK’s apart from the ACN’s, the aristocrats from the slobs, the pedigrees from [...]

Yep, the words straight out of a consultant’s mouth. You may not have heard this one before but frankly, it is an eye-opener. What it means is going around to the client executives and client engagement sponsors and touting how much ‘value’ they are getting from all the work that the consulting firm has done [...]

It’s a Wednesday morning at 8 AM. I’m up and I quickly throw on my suit and get to the client’s offices downtown, red eyes and all. I check on my team, sit in on the status meeting, throw a few crumb cakes around for being late, generally cause a ruckus for the entire team [...]